Bleme me up Scotty, it's Sunday!

I got a huge compliment yesterday.  El Juevo (pictured above) and I were eating lunch at a restaurant yesterday and this little boy ran by us who had a squeaker in one shoe.  It was precious, squeak stomp, squeak stomp, squeak stomp, so we were laughing and commenting on how cute he was.  As his mother caught up with him, she realized what we were laughing about and started telling us about this lady giving her all kinds of clothes her child had outgrown (I guess I have one of those faces-people seem to open up to me very easily for some reason, and I'll never look a gift BFF in the mouth).  Anyway, she sort of pauses and looks at Alex and me sitting there and asks "Do you two have kids?"  I BARKED out a laugh and told her he is my youngest kid which flustered the snot out of her, but I let her know in no uncertain terms that I love her long time.  Juevo was not quite as amused, as he just focused on the squick factor of he and his mother having kids.  I wish I'd gotten her address-I'd have baked her a cake!

I was scrolling through my reader yesterday and came across an interesting bleme on Sunday Stealing, and fingered that since this is the last day of NaBloPoMo AND a Sunday, I would take the easy way out and use a fill in the blanker.  Of course, as I go through the list, I may choose to expound on some of my answers, so I apologize if this gets long.  Go throw in a load of laundry and pour yourself a cuppa and come back if you feel you should be getting something done whilst I peel away the Seven Layers of me:

LAYER 1: Tell us your...

* Name: Jacquelynn
* Birthday (month, day): November 21
* Birthplace: Rodriguez Army Hospital, San Juan, Puerto Rico
* Current location: 15 feet from the bank, 22 feet from the bottom
* Eye color: as Daddy used to say, shit brindle brown
* Hair color: hmm...which one?  A mixture of blondes, browns and grays
* Height: 5'4"
* Righty or lefty: Righty
* Zodiac sign: Scorpio 

LAYER 2: What's...

* Your heritage: German, Irish and Welsh
* The shoes you wore today: slippers so far
* Your weakness: seafood
* Your fears: Alzheimers.  I saw its effect on my grandmother and am afraid it is working it's  destructive powers slowly but surely down the family line.
* Your perfect pizza: Not really a pizza person, but a cajun seafood with white sauce is okay
* Goals you’d like to achieve: To be paid to do this!
* Your first waking thoughts: Time to make the donuts clean up bird shit
* Your best physical feature: My second toe on my right foot is kinda cute
* Your most missed memory: My grandparents

LAYER 3: Do you...

* Smoke: *clears throat* Not cigarettes
* Cuss: Absofuckinglutely
* Sing: The Good Morning Jesus song
* Do you think you’ve been in love: See *cuss
* Did you go to college: Yes
* Liked high school: Ehh. ^^shrug^^
* Want to get/stay married: YES
* Believe in yourself: I'm here, aren't I?  What's not to believe? *wink*
* Think you’re attractive: No one has ever gnawed off a limb to get outta bed with me
* Think you’re a health freak: *SNORT* yeah, right.  My innards ARE, however, antiseptic.
* Get along with your parent(s): Very very very very well
* Like thunderstorms: Nope.  I love them.
* Play an instrument: No.  I play with some instruments, though.  Heh.  I said instruments.

LAYER 4: In the past month have you…

* Drank alcohol: Um, Hello?...Did you not see yesterday's post?
* Smoked: Not a single cigarette
* Done a drug: see *smoked
* Made out: *sniff* Yes, but barely-the Innocent Bystander has been gone almost a month now.
* Gone on a date: No, but I have a date with my kids and parents to eat at Imperial Palace  Casino buffet tonight (and I'm sure you know what THAT means)
* Gone to the mall: Yep.  I did a tiny bit of economic stimulating yesterday.  
* Eaten an entire box of Oreos: *GAG* Not just no, but HELL NO.  I'm not a chocolate person
* Eaten sushi: If California roll counts.  I don't do raw fish
* Been on stage: The world is my stage, so I rectom so
* Been dumped: No
* Gone skating: No, but I skate vicariously through my hockey team (who got the crap beat out  of them last night, 2-1...The telling thing was shots on goal, though.  Stingrays had 53 shots on  goal, Seawolves had 12.  How farking embarrassing
* Gone skinny dipping: Nope
* Stolen Anything: One last roll in the hay with the IB before he left.

LAYER 5: Have you ever…

* Played a game that required removal of clothing: sure
* Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: see layer 4
* Been caught “doing something”: OHMY YES.  That is a post for Ornery Woman
* Been called a tease: *looks at you from beneath my lashes* Who, me?
* Gotten beaten up: Only by myself.  I beat myself up all the time.
* Shoplifted: Never

LAYER 6:

* Age you did get/hope to be married: trial run-21, real deal-28
* Numbers and names of children (either you have or want): Ronny-25, Alex-21
* Describe your dream mate: A little boy trapped in a grown man's body mixed with the  strength of a bear, the humor of a comedian, the patience of Job, and the wisdom to know that  I'm more bark than bite.
* How do you want to die: Gracefully but ALL USED UP
* What did you want to be when you grow up: At 5 I wanted to be a stewardess or a housewyfe-WOOT!  I wore stoopid little dresses back then too, so take that one with a grain of salt.
* What country would you most like to visit: Israel

LAYER 7: Now tell...

* Name a drug you’ve taken illegally: Qualudes (Gosh, I miss the 70s)
* Name a person you could trust with my life: Sessie (myne FIRST and PRIMARY wyfe)
* Name a favorite CD that you own: Anna Nalick Wreck of the Day
* Number of piercings: Seven.  Five in my right ear, one in my left, and my belly button
* Number of tattoos: One very groovy bird on myne foot
* Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Once or twice-not sure
* Name a past experience that you regret: Dropping out of college before I got my degree

Lagniappe:

Inventory

Eyes: Look like two peeholes in the snow, but present. Check.

Mouth: Something either died or shat in there, but all teeth accounted for. Check.

Stomach: Amazingly enough, fine AND dandy, and looking forward to lunch at High Cotton. Will wonders never cease?

Brain: Don't go there.

Girl+Misfits Thanksgiving+beer=

The day after

We had a very nice Thanksgiving. The food was wonderful although we all looked at the *gulp* barley salad and looked at my mom and left that dish pretty much sitting by her plate. She does not eat anything "that nurtures its young" so she's always coming up with something weird with raisins or some crap in it that no one else will eat. To my credit, I did eat two FULL bites of it, and it did not kill me. It would prolly make you poop good if you could eat enough of it, but with all the other choices available, that was a small bowl of pretty, mobile centerpiece to most of us. Mom was on top of her game, though. We had the obligatory turkey, dressing, mashed taters and gravy, acorn squash (we really are yankme's at heart), baked sweet taters, peas, corn, coleslaw, cranberry sauce, the barley salad, deviled eggs, rolls and sweet tea. I think I left more food on my plate than I ate because I had been noshing on raw veggies and dip and sausage balls (nice image, eh?) all morning. As soon as we were done with dinner, out came the pies-all six kinds: blueberry, buttermilk, mincemeat, pecan, pink and pumpkin. Everyone was stuffed.
My brother Jeff brought his step-granddaughter with him. She is a little doll, and reminds me so much of my sister in law Pam when she was that age-they could be sisters. She was very shy, and took much drawing out to get to come into the house with all the big people, but my handy new IPhone saved the day with a little game I had downloaded. After Jeffery had left, we were all sitting around in L-tryptophan induced semi-stupors and we all started talking about how good Jeff looks-he has lost that 'dark' look that has hung onto him through all of his other attempts at sobriety. I am very cautiously beginning to think that this time it may have actually stuck. Then the talk turned to Aurora, and Mom very gingerly said "Don't her features look a little..." She trailed off, and Daddy piped up "Touched with the tar brush?" And me, little Miss I Don't Have A Racist Bone In My Body, blurted out "A wee bit on the high yeller side?" I just ain't right, folks-I have been in The South wayyy too long. But I'm sure you've all fingered that out already.

After the dishes were all cleaned up, El Juevo and I headed out for the coliseum for the annual Thanksgiving Seawolves game. We were far outclassed by the Stingrays-they were bigger, faster and much more cohesive as a team than we were, but in the end, the home team advantage took over and we pulled one out of our collective ass and won in sudden death overtime, 5-4. We will take them any way we can get them.

Well, as I've been typing this, I forgot that I had another forking pie in the oven. We are having a "Misfits Thanksgiving" up at the Shingle Mill this afternoon, and of course I have been tasked with providing pies. I now have a burnt buttermilk pie to take, which would prolly be fine and dandy considering the theme, but since I'm the anal kinda chick that I am, I am fixing to post this and get my arse back in there and PAY ATTENTION this time and make another one and a pumpkin and get this show on the road. Believe it or not, I am not going to do any economic stimulating today (other than perhaps the brewery sector), I am chillin' at the hacienda and saving that for a day when everyone else is back to work and I can get to what I want without having to paw past everyone. Not to worry-I'll do my share! *wink*

The ghosts of Thanksgivings past.

Random memories of Thanksgiving, in no particular order:

Picking up the whole platter of turkey (at age 3) and taking it in to my Grandma Schuckert's bedroom because she had had surgery and couldn't come to the table to eat.

My Grandpa Davis and his rhubarb and mincemeat pies.

Sitting at the little kids' table, wondering when the magic year would be that I would get to sit with the grownups.  Sadly, that day never came.

Hitting a bunch of bars one Thanksgiving Eve with Mom and her friends in search of a STRANGER to bring to Thanksgiving.

Grandma Schuckert and I picking a million crabs we had caught so everyone could have some without the hassles and mess of picking them themselves.

My brother Jeffrey and I adopting a couple of Seabees one Thanksgiving when Mom and Dad were visiting Uncle Dunkle in Florida.

Myne wyfe and I buying a rock solid frozen turkey on Thanksgiving day and defrosting it IN THE BATHTUB.

Cooking peas for the Salvation Army community dinner and them making the front page of the newspaper-my 'famous' peas. 

Heavenly hash in all its incarnations.

Daddy's homemade cranberry sauce that shows back up for Christmas (but by then it's fermented)

Mom and her Thanksgiving themes-some years, we all dress like pilgrims and indians, some years everyone wears flannel jammie pants, one year was sweaters, sometimes she picks a color we are all supposed to wear-it's always something different.  This year (her last, she swears) the theme is supposed to be MOD.  WTF?

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with family and friends and memories of your own.  *smooches*

Are we there yet?

Yesterday was a whirlwind.

Have you been to an IMAX theater?  It is a rather disconcerting experience for someone with a delicate at best equilibrium.  Just getting into the theater itself was a trip-it seemed like I'd been transported into one of my online games as I entered the spiraling hallway.  It felt like I was entering a shell (which would have turned the Innocent Bystander ON, as he finds all shells pornographic).  When the hallway opened into the theater proper, I realized that that really was a good analogy-I think I know what the inside of a snail shell looks like now.  I staggered over to the seating area to decide where to sit, which naturally had to be a farking production.  Ronny and Jamie simply found a pair of seats and parked themselves, while Dar and I had to try each and every row like two overgrown Goldilocks, trying to find the one that was just right.  We finally found the PERFECT seats just as the movie began.

I don't think I was really prepared for this particular production.  I knew that we were going to see "Hurricane on the Bayou" but I did no research on the film and I think I was mentally sticking my fingers in my ears and doing the LALALALALALA thing every time Dar mentioned going.  It is actually a documentary focusing on a major problem in this area of the country-our vanishing wetlands and coastal erosion.  I am still processing what I saw and may have more to say on the subject in a later post, but let me just say I took this movie very personally.

In the middle of the making of the documentary, Katrina struck and became an integral part of the film.  I was really surprised at how certain scenes were like arrows through my heart, and was extremely glad that I'm the dikey kinda girl who carries a handkerchief, because I soaked that sucker through.  It was weird-I didn't even realize I was crying.  I wasn't heaving and sobbing all over the place, but I became aware at one point that I had tears just streaming down my face and was afraid to look around because I didn't want anyone else to know what a chump I was.  I guess it was just the brutality of being thrown so thoroughly back into the "storm got that" place that we all were three years ago.  

Ronny, however, was not so touched.  His first words as the movie ended were "Okay you two tree hugging hippies, lets get outta here."  Spoken just like someone who did not go through that storm.  Nuff said.

We left there, and since it was still pretty early, decided to ride over to the Daphne/Fairhope area and check out a Greek Orthodox Church over there that Dar wanted to go to to light a candle for a friend of hers.  We were the only ones there other than the caretaker, so we were free to roam the building and grounds.  After the emotional roller coaster of the movie, it was a nice way to get grounded again.  We wandered around the graveyard for awhile, then decided it was time to start working our way home because I wanted to be back before dark.  We made a detour to Fresh Market in Mobile on the way back, and everyone came out much lighter in the pocket but with baskets of YUM.  (My personal yum?  A loverly chicken breast stuffed with spinach and ricotta cheese and four one of those luscious creme brulees.)

We got home and everyone went their separate ways.  I made my dinner and caught up with emails and such, then decided to walk up to the Shingle Mill to see what's been going on in the 'hood.  I fully intended on just rolling the dice and drinking a beer and coming home, but then Neil showed up.  Seems his girlfriend was angry at him for offering to set up one of those "Donate to my boob fund" tip jars for one of the new bartenders, and his answer to her anger was to come up to the bar and spend his entire paycheck getting everyone up there snot slinging drunk.  He was buying rounds faster than anyone could drink them.  At one point I looked up and he had bought so many rounds that he had his OWN stack of wooden nickels piling up-even HE couldn't keep up with himself!  I guess he showed HER.

The rest of the evening is hazy.  I do remember a stranger coming in, and a conversation about the IMAX experience ensuing, and if I'm not mistaken, there may have been some preaching about the environment and what all you people are doing to MY river going on.  And when I stumbled into the houseboat later and added another creme brulee to the mix, there MAY have been some puking.  In fact, I distinctly remember sending up a "HELL YEAH" to the FLYlady for my pristine porcelain goddess.  In any case, I woke up bright and early and I feel just fine, so I'm going to call yesterday a success.

Now I'm off to get pie ingredients.  I AM the pie mistress of Thanksgiving, and this year will be making 4 pumpkin, 2 pecan, 2 buttermilk, a blueberry, a mincemeat and probably a pink pie for my niece (my secret recipe).  Later, Ronny and Dar and I are going to put up the Christmas lights that didn't get put up earlier in the week because I got the red ass of the weather, and I think we will probably end up doing take out pizza for dinner.  What kind of pie will ya'll be eating this year?

Lagniappe:

The Plan of the Day

Just a quickie this morning, although I may do an update this afternoon.

Dar is on her way over, and we are going to take Ronny and Jamie over to Mobile for the day. We plan to do lunch, then go to the museum's IMAX theater to watch "Hurricane on the Bayou" (for some reason, my fingers wanted to type "Tom Petty and the Bayou Crotch People" there) and then we are going to go see what looks yummy at Fresh Market.  I have visions of creme brulee dancing in myne head.  Perhaps I ought to go look in the mirror-there is probably a VISION or two of creme brulee swaying back and forth behind me like two forty dollar mules in a gunny sack.

I may actually put on some store bought lips before we leave.  I guess I'm feeling all girly because I chose to mow my legs rather than cornrow them this morning.  I'd go pluck my eyebrow, but I don't feel like getting all sneezy.  If I start sneezing, the little birds start, and then we have to go all the way through the sneezing ritual and discuss our allergies which leads to booger discussions and frankly?  I am just not up to all that right now.  The Good Morning Jesus song did me in.

Before I go, though, I thought I would leave you with a little something to contemplate.  Dar and I rode up to her parents' cabin in McHenry to scope it out prior to us going up to 'camp' there next week.  When we pulled into the carport, this is what we found in the driveway.  The dead mouse I understand.  The pile of puke though, is puzzling:

Happy happy, joy joy!

I woke up not knowing today was going to be such a special day.  

As per usual, I got up and did the bird cages and veggies, made my coffee and sat down at the 'puter.  I knew I had to take El Juevo to school this morning, so I didn't plan on writing anything until I got back, so I just settled down with a cuppa and went straight to my Google reader.  Now, I have kind of a ritual with my reader (big surprise, eh?) in that I always read my overseas bloggers first, as they are ahead of us timewise, and I finger they may know something that is going to happen that might have some bearing on my life.  Heh.  

Okay.  Now that I've sat here entertaining myself for thirty minutes pondering the paradoxes that situation could create, where was I?  Oh, yeah.  So I opened my reader and chose one of my favorites, Strange Pilgram, which is written by an American living in Italy, a place that holds a very special place in my heart.  In today's post, she had this badge:

I read down a few lines, and suddenly my mental willy got a big ole boner, for part of the bleme she was tasked with states that the recipient must pass on the award to their five favorite blogs as well as completing the attached meme, bleme-whatever the hell you want to call it.  And lo and behold, there tucked into her list of five was Life in the River!  Ah am so proud!  

Not to mention grateful.  I never know what is going to come out of my fingers until I sit down to write, and this was free blog fodder.  The guidelines of the bleme are that you have to answer each prompt with just one word, so here goes:

1. Where is your cellphone? Pocket

2. Where is your significant other? Nigeria

3. Your hair color? Multiple

4. Your mother? Birthday

5. Your father? Birthday (!)

6. Your favorite thing? Internet

7. Your dream last night? Blank

8. Your dream/goal? Travel

9. The room you're in? busy

10. Your hobby? This

11. Your fear? Alzheimer's

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Abroad

13. Where were you last night? Houseboat

14. What you're not? Bored

15. One of your wish list items? Macbook

16. Where you grew up? Seabees

17. The last thing you did? Ducks

18. What are you wearing? Attitude

19. Your TV? Background

20. Your pet? Parrots

21. Your computer? Essential

22. Your mood? Elated

23. Missing someone? Absolutely

24. Your car? Fuckus

25. Something you're not wearing? Makeup

26. Favorite store? ANY

27. Your summer? Dar

28. Love someone? Yes

29. Favorite color? Transparent

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? movie

I am going to nominate five of my favorite blogs, but I will leave it up to them whether or not they want to use the bleme.  I am usually the stopping point for emails etc that end with "forward to x number of friends or Guido will be coming after your kneecaps with a bat".  I also want to say that I although I am only supposed to nominate five, if you are on my blogroll, I read you every day that you post and treasure your words whether I always agree with your views or not.  Here, in no particular order:

1. Clusterfook

2. Attack of the Redneck Mommy

3. Gnomespeak

4. Derfwad Manor

5. Magneto Bold Too

Today's lagniappe:

I'm eggcited!

Oh shit, oh dear.  Literally.

I just sat down with a cup of coffee so strong that my teeth should have dissolved as soon as the first drop sizzled through my lips, and as I began my descent into the very personal nest I've constructed here, Ahab rushed over to the edge of his cage and projectile shat at me.  Seems this soft diet coupled with the fruit juices I've been pushing on him have enabled him to squirt liquified crap halfway across the room with somewhat startling accuracy.  This time, he managed to propel his love offering a full three feet, right onto the dvd player remote.  Loverly. Now I get to clean that from between the buttons with a Q-tip.  He gives a whole new meaning to shooting the shit.

Well, the Innocent Bystander has managed to get me all excited ^^groucho eyebrows^^ from halfway around the world.  I woke up this morning to no less than eleven emails from him, each touting a different hotel in Central America.  Seems he's been picking up on my travel jones and has decided that we need to go someplace warm when he comes home.  We are going to do one of those ecotours in either Belize, Costa Rica or Panama, but haven't decided which one yet. We want to find someplace with lots of birds and wildlife, and I am dying to go on a zip line tour. This time I will make sure to take some xanax with me, although a friend who went to Costa Rica a few years ago said you can buy stuff like that over the counter there.  I prefer not to tempt fate, though.  

Well, I'm outta here.  I am going to do a once over on the houseboat, throw a few loads of laundry through a fartwater wash and see if I can get some help out of the kids or Dar with putting up my outside Christmas lights.  When I found out the IB wasn't going to be home for the holidays I was bummed, but more because I couldn't finger out how I was going to get my lights up without him than I was about him not being here for the actual holiday.  We are not really Christmas spirit kinda kids, but there is little in this world as pretty as the houseboats all lit up at Christmas time with the lights reflecting off the water at night, and we have decorated every year since we bought the place.  Now that I think about it, New Years is going to suck-we sort of host a party every New Years up at the Shingle Mill.  I rectom I will have to take care of that one myownself, because that is another tradition I'm not willing to give up on just because my mo' betterer half is absent.  I need to get BUSY!  *smooches*

Melancholy baby

I'm really missing the Innocent Bystander.  I rectom it is because I have all the rest of my family close for a change, and it just doesn't feel complete without him.  I also have an assload of running around to do today and don't feel like lugging this 'puter around with me trying to find wifi hotspots to post from today, so I'm going to keep it short and sweet.

I have had several people ask me what the IB does that takes him to all the exotic *smirk* locales that he works in.  He is a jack up boat captain.  When I tell people that, unless they happen to be from the Gulf area, they usually look at me blankly.  That is, of course, those who get past the words 'jack up' without shooting whatever liquid is handy through their nostrils.  Usually people hear what they want to, and I know in some peoples minds, they imagine they heard me say "jack off captain" instead of jack UP.  (Oh, great...now THAT image is going to be stuck in my head on a loop all day like some old Beatles "Chicken To Ride" song.)  In order to clear up this cornfusion, I fingered a picture or two would speak eversomuch more eloquently than I could ever hope to.  *smooches*

*sigh*

I really do try to focus on the positive, the funny, the twisted and the weird.  And I suppose that in retrospect, I will, but tonight?  I just feel lonely.  

I'm not really sad, per se.  My kids are all home, I got to go out to dinner with my parents to a restaurant I've wanted to try for a long time and I have successfully uploaded "9 1/2 Weeks" to my IPhone for my viewing pleasure later this evening ^^groucho eyebrows^^ (and may I just say-there is something very mysteriously intimate about watching a movie on an IPhone?) although I am wondering at the wisdom of watching it in this frame of mind.  Might just end up being depressing. Because despite the family and friends and food and frivolity and fun, I am sorely lacking in some FORTNER.  Boy. Hoss.  Dood.  Bonehead.  Scrote.  My Scrote.  Sometimes this working way far away chit sucks.

Just sayin'.

A birthday and an anniversary

Once again, I'd like to congratulate Pearl, who won the IPhone giveaway contest.  I wish I had more of them to give away, because they really are phenomenal tools. (Heh.  I said tools.)  You never know-with my luck, next month they will come out with a new, improved 4G model which naturally I will have to have.  Just in case, I will make sure that my new IPhone gets no MRI's unless we REALLY suspect the worst.

We had a cold front come through last night.  Cold fronts and tropical weather systems are really the only time being on a houseboat feels different than being in a house on land.  And cold fronts are the most fun-tropical systems come in waves, with breaks between each turbulent period, but cold fronts are steady, pounding motion.  This is when most people opt to go to their more stable homes on land if they have them, but not me.  I love the motion of the ocean, so to speak.  Go figger.  Sleeping last night was sublime-like being rocked and patted on the butt all night long.  I slept like a baby.

Dar and I did go get mah BAYBEEZ! yesterday, which was a hoot.  Two womyn 'of a certain age' driving down the interstate trying to maintain a mutually agreeable temperature was fun enough.  Add to that the fact that both of us had supersized our soft drinks at Micky Dees.  We are getting close to the state line, and she looks at me and says something along the lines of "I need to pee.  How about stopping at the rest area at the state line?  I don't like to pee at gas stations."  I looked at her quizzically and she said "I just don't like to waste a good blue sign rest area."  I shrugged, thinking "Okay.  I can check off learn something new every day for today."  Just then, I saw a blue sign announcing a rest stop ahead, but it was not the one at the state line, and it was one where you had to get off at an exit to get to the facility rather than just pulling off of the interstate.  I said "Well, I'm gonna pass that one cuz it's a pain in the arse to get to and the Louisiana Welcome Center is just a few miles ahead."  She gave me the stinkeye.

Five miles later as we crossed the state line, we noticed that the highway was under construction.  Another mile up the road, I cringed as I waited for the blows (heh) to start falling, for instead of a nice, welcoming welcome center we were confronted with concrete barriers and a sign stating "Closed for repairs".  Uckfay emay.  She let me have it.  "WHAT did I say about never passing up a blue signed rest area???"  I apologized profusely, but hey?  How the hell was I supposed to know that it would be closed for repairs?  So I tell her not to worry, that I will stop in Slidell.  Now, I've driven to New Orleans at least thirty or forty times, but the Unit Innocent Bystander is flying to Nigeria out of Gulfport rather than New Orleans, so it's been about a year since I've made the drive.  I KNOW that we always stop at the first Slidell exit to get a daiquiri and it is always the wrong exit, so we have to get back on I10 and go to the second Slidell exit, so I tell her that is the plan.  I will pull off at the second exit and we will find an acceptable urinarium.  I pull off the second exit and am all "WHAT THE FORK???  WHERE DID EVERYTHING GO???"  There was NOTHING there.  I was beginning to doubt my sanity, she is holding her legs together to keep from peeing herself and I can see the steam coming out of her ears.  "Second exit, huh?" she says.  "You need to quit blogging and driving and pay some freaking attention to the road, Missy."  I figured maybe lack of sleep and the half a xanax I took prior to the trip had made the old brain a little fuzzy.  I got off at the next exit, found her a restaurant to pee at since she doesn't "DO" gas stations, and we got back on the road.  

The remainder of the trip was just as much fun.  The kids' flight was delayed, so we played in the airport gift shops and restaurants until they got in, about an hour late.  We were all very tired, so instead of playing in the Big Easy, we headed home.  We did all really want a daiquiri, so I decided to once more try to find the elusive Slidell exit with the Daiquiri Shoppe.  Of course, on the trip home, it is always the FIRST exit you come to rather than the second, so it was very easy to find.  We got our drinks, went across the street and got some Powerball tickets, and got back on the road.  A mile up the interstate, we came to that barren exit I had pulled off at on the earlier leg of our trip, and then it dawned on me.  Yes, I'd been blogging and driving, but that does not excuse the State of Louisiana for not informing me that they had, in fact, created a whole NEW Slidell exit, so now there are THREE.  I was not losing my mind.  They slipped one in on me!  (insert your own HEH here.)

Anyway, the kids are home, and I'm picking up El Juevo this evening after rehearsal so I have all my kids here for my birthday, which is the best present I could get.

Speaking of which, it is not only my birthday, it is also the one year anniversary of my 'retirement'.  When I went by the office the other day, I visited my friends and former coworkers, and almost every one of them gave me the old "When are you coming back?"  As I visited with each of them, I noticed this look they all had in their eyes.  They'd ask "How is retirement treating you?" hopefully, almost like they wanted/expected me to say "Aww.  It sucks.  I can't find anything to do to keep me occupied."  When I replied instead with "It's great.  I wake up when the sun wakes me up.  I get to be with my husband when he is home, and get to do my own thang when he is gone.  I have NO stress.  I just wish there were more hours in the days because I'm always running." they'd get this defeated look about them.  No one there looked happy.  They all looked like they would rather be ANYWHERE than where they were.  And they want to know if I'm ready to come back?  Not just no, but HELL NO.  I don't want that haunted, hunted look in MY eyes.  I mean, I miss ya'll, and I love ya'll, but maybe not that much?  I'm just sayin'.

Well, I'm off.  I gave the kids my car, so I have to take the IB's truck and get some gas in it as it is sitting on the big E.  I reckon I'd better take a gas can with me, just in case.  Ya'll stay warm, and have a blessed day!

Lagniappe:

And the winner is...

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Timestamp: 2008-11-20 23:00:14 UTC

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By my count, that means Pearl is the winner!  Congrats, and thanks to all of you for entering!

The girl just ain't right

I was waiting for my color to develop  at the beautician's the other day, and my mind wandered to that place usually reserved for blowjobs and visits to the gynecologist.  You know that place, where your thoughts bounce, one off of the other, like so many stones skipping across the surface of the river of your life?  I went from thinking about my kids, to picking them up from the airport, to the last time I picked someone up from the airport.  That got me to thinking about how although I have no farking idea when the Innocent Bystander will be coming home, I want to have a plan as to how I'm going to greet him that will at least measure up to his last homecoming.  We will be going to a different hotel this time, so no one will have seen me in my former getup, so I'm letting my imagination go wild.

As ya'll know by now, the IB works in Nigeria.  His boss, Mr. Ikuku, is Nigerian.  The only people on the boat besides Johnny who are not Nigerian are a couple of Trinidadian engineers who worked with him in Trinidad/Venezuela.  When he first got to Nigeria, the boat had not yet arrived (it had to be transported from the US on an oceangoing barge), so he got to spend some time in the company of Mr. Ikuku, who was a very enthusiastic host more than he was a boss at that point.  He took the IB on a tour of his business properties and then took him on a tour of his home.  Then he took him on a tour of the house next door-his second home.  The first home is for his first wife, and the second identical home is for his second, or 'small'  wife.  Seems that although they are very very Christian, they are also polygamous.  Because of his position as a chief in his particular clan, I guess you'd call it, he is allowed up to FOUR wives, but I guess he just hasn't found that special someone *snorts helplessly* to be Mrs. Ikuku number three or four yet.  When he was telling me all this, the IB said they would go out for drinks at night and it was all he could do not to ask him how THAT day went.  "What day?" I asked.  He said "The day he went home and told Mrs. Ikuku number one that he was bringing a new wife into the family."  He never did get up the nerve to ask him.

Anyway, that has been the joke between us since he's been over there-if he gets a small wife, he'd better not get it into his head that he's bringing that bitch home.  She can stay over there and decorate her hut with coconuts and banana leaves and eat monkey nuts with bat guano, and I will take care of the car and the truck and the boat and the camper and the houseboat and the house over here, and ne'er the twain shall meet.  SO...

Would it be in really poor taste to dress up as his small wife to pick him up from the airport?  I'm not trying to be racist here-I'm just trying to keep things fresh. But still, I can't help but remember the Ted Danson debacle. 

I think with the help of the internet and a dermatologist I could pull it off.  I already have a native outfit that Mrs. Ikuku number two sent me, and I only have white girl hair if I put certain products on it, so I could just eschew them for that particular night and I'd kink right up.  Heh.  I could clean off a leftover chicken leg for a bone for my nose, but I think one particular bone will be all I need that night.

I need to find some dark body makeup, though, and am thinking this would be a cool opportunity to try out some of those collagen injections to get my lips nice and poochy.  The one and only part of my body that has always been thin and WASP-y?  My lips.  And where do I begin to look to find some sort of device to give me some bootay?  Yes, I have plenty of junk in my trunk, but it is a big, flat saggy trunk-a station wagon fanny.  Besides, we all know where I stand on the panty issue when picking up the hubster anyway.  Finally, where in the hell do you go to learn how to do THIS?

I do have one concern though.  You know the old saying.  Once you go black, you never go back?  What do I do then?  What if he decides he likes this blacktivity and wants hot jungle lovin' all the time?  Am I really ready to be a full time sistah?  I'll have to think on this one for awhile.

One final reminder-the IPhone giveaway ends at 5pm CST tonight when I get back from picking the kids up from New Orleans.  This is your LAST CHANCE to get your comments in so you too can be entered to win this one of a kind *snort* treasure.  Good luck to you all!

Sharing

One of the ways the Innocent Bystander and I keep the homefires burning whilst he is away is through email.  I thought I would share with you one or two of these tender missives.  (And please, be fully aware that part of my job description says I am not allowed to mock the IB's spelling, punctuation or grammar.  I have needs, people.)

Example # 1 (in its entirety):

"My mate was telling me he hopes he dies before his wife does,  and i thought cause maybe he cant bear to be alone or to see his wife die,  but he said cause it cost to much to bury her. isn;t that heart warming?"

Example #2 (in my inbox this morning):

"kunle called and said to send in my passport,  said they was putting in my str visa    so we will see  if its the real deal. did you get your iphone? i was telling some of the guys tomorrow was your birthday, they asked how we was going to celebrate,   they said if we was at the dock we would kill a goat.

is'nt that sweet?"

Don't these little love notes just warm the cockles of your heart?

Now on to the meat of today's matter.  I know I talk about mine here and there, but have you checked out Amazon's Kindle?  

Oh.  Before I begin, I want to make it clear that I am in no way being compensated by anyone (i.e. Amazon, Apple, AT&T or Cingular) for this post or any other in which I mention my Kindle or my IPhone (or the IPhone give away that I'm doing which ends TOMORROW at 5pm CST).  They are not paying me to endorse their products, although I wouldn't turn them away if they wanted to make me an offer.  ^^groucho eyebrows^^

It always amazes me when someone notices mine and after checking it out says that they've never heard of them. Now that I've had it for awhile, I almost feel dirty if I pick up a 'real' book.

One thing I love about it is that you can change the font size to whatever is most comfortable for you.  My eyesight gets worse as the day goes on, so being able to just increase the size of the text with the push of a button beats the hell out of trying to find a pair of reading glasses.  Another advantage is it has a built in dictionary (which, incidentally, you can change if you have one you like better than the default which is provided).  If you come across a word you are unfamiliar with, you scroll your little cursor to that line of text and push down and pick lookup, and it automatically pulls up the definition of every word in that line.  It also has an internet connection called Whispernet available at no extra charge (there is no monthly fee for these things-once you buy the Kindle, you only pay for your titles, which are much less expensive than paper, TREE KILLING books).  This is an awesome feature, in that it allows you to access the Kindle Store so you can purchase books FROM THE KINDLE.  When you purchase one from the device, it is automatically delivered to your Kindle within a minute or two. The Whispernet also allows you to access Wikipedia, which is built in, search both your purchased books and the internet for a particular word or phrase, or access pretty much any text based internet site.  In addition to purchasing books on it, you can also subscribe to certain newspapers, magazines, and even some blogs! It weighs about ten ounces and it only takes about two hours to fully charge it.  If you are not using the Whispernet, a full charge will last about a week.  There are gajillions of titles (out of copyright) available free from www.gutenberg.org, and the books from Amazon range from about a buck each for old titles to $9.99 for NY Times bestsellers.  Here is a list of what I am carrying around with me right now (titles with asterisks are books I am reading now):

1. Say You're One of Them-Uwem Akpan

2. The Holy Bible (KJV)-Anonymous/s (Or God, depending on your beliefs)*

3. Beach Music-Pat Conroy*

4. The Prince of Tides-Pat Conroy

5. The Water is Wide-Pat Conroy

6. The Lords of Discipline-Pat Conroy

7. The Great Santini-Pat Conroy (My all time favorite book)

8. Hurricane Punch-Tim Dorsey

9. Atomic Lobster-Tim Dorsey

10. World Without End-Ken Follett

11. Roots:The Saga of an American Family-Alex Haley

12. The Descendants: A Novel-Kaui Hart Hemmings

13. Dante's Equation-Jane Jensen

14. The Historian-Elizabeth KKostova

15. Bella Tuscany-Frances Mayes*

16. Miracle at St. Anna-James McBride

17. New Moon (The Twilight Saga, Book 2)-Stephenie Meyer

18. Eclipse (The Twilight Saga, Book 3)-Stephenie Meyer

19. Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)-Stephenie Meyer* (yes, I caved to peer pressure-shuddup!)

20. The Host-Stephenie Meyer

21. Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4)-Stephenie Meyer

22. Spirit House: A Vincent Calvino Crime Novel-Christopher G. Moore

23. The Color of Magic-Terry Pratchett

24. The Monster of Florence-Douglas Preston

25. Judas Strain-James Rollins

26. The Glass Castle: A Memoir-Jeanette Walls*

27. The Shadow of the Wind-Carlos Ruiz Zafon

I also have about this many titles that I've already read recently that I've taken off my contents list, but I can access those in about a minute with the Whispernet on.  The device will hold around 200 titles at a time.  You can bookmark pages, make notes 'in the margins' and if you want to try a book before you buy it, they will send you the first chapter or so of the book to sample before you make your purchase.  I'm telling you, if this thing had a bullshit detector and a willy...*shakes head* Nah.  But it is my bestest bud other than Nemo and Dar when the Unit The Innocent Bystander is out of the country.

Ka-wikki

Just thought I would update those of you who check in earlier than I can get the birds 'done' and get my coffee made (i.e. this is not Wednesday's post).  After I got my hair done today, I went and got my new 3G IPhone. This was actually more of a major farking pain in the posterior region than it sounds, but fortunately, I plan ahead.  The cellphone account is set up in the Innocent Bystander's name.  When I called Cingular/AT&T yesterday to find out about syncing my contacts, music and pictures, I did think to ask if it would be any prollem for me to get the new phone without the IB being here.  The representative I spoke with looked it up and said that "YES, OF COURSE IT FARKING WILL".  Seems I am was not an authorized user on the account, since it is was only in Doofus's the IB's name.  It took some doing and some dubious phone/internet (YAY SKYPE) connections from Nigeria, but after my passive aggressive "It's okay.  I'll wait for my birthday present until you get home.  Whenever that is..." he did make it a point to get me authorized to take care of this crap without him.  SOOOO...Somebody's newish phone is being polished and dephonenumbered and getting ready for its final kiss goodbye.  It has been a very good phone all things considered, and if I'm being honest, so far I am not seeing a huge diff betwixt the 2G and the 3G.  

My point, though, is that I am now carrying the new phone, so YOUR phone is fixing to be safely tucked into a form fitted box just waiting to be mailed overnight to the address of your choice.  Instead of being subject to being dropped in the river, falling out of my pocket or being stolen out of my car whilst I just run into the gas station to pee.  Just thought you'd like to know that.

G'night, all.   Hasty banana.

All my children

Nemo is fixing to get on my last nerve. I guess because of all the attention Ahab has been getting, he has become particularly needy, and he is about to "Good morning" me to death. You have never heard so many variations on a theme, and the only difference is tone. LAWDY, this one is fooking creative with tone.

He wants me to pick him up and love him up, but I'm pressed for time. I spend a good portion of each evening with him 'on' me in one form or fashion, as he loves being rubbed and scratched and petted. The problem I'm having is that Ahab is not two feet away from me, watching EVERY. MOVE. I. MAKE. Moby is there, too, but Nemo did not put a hole in Moby's beak. Also, Moby is a dipshit. Well, maybe not so much a dipshit as he might have a slight touch of birdie autism. Either way, he seems somewhat oblivious to his surroundings most of the time, unless he's busy being a mean little jackass. Ahab, though, is so very obviously totally aware of what I am doing and what THAT BIG MEAN BIRD is doing, and I feel so dadburned guilty sitting here stroking and loving on his assailant. But if I don't, we are back to 'good morning'-loud, screechy, and seeming to come at me through a clenched beak in an accusatory tone. I don't need this sheet.

SO...I am going to see my magical mystical hairdresser Lauren, who will once more allow me to experience what it is like to have white girl hair (with no visible gray roots). When she is done performing her voodoo on my head I am going to go by my old office, where I will hopefully see my Serious Bitch for a few minutes, then will drop in on two of my former fellow call girls, and when I'm done there, will pick up my second wyfe and take her to lunch. After that, I am going to go pick El Juevo up from rehearsal and go do something with him, although I'm not yet sure what, before I take him back to Mom's. It is going to be a busy day, and the rest of the week will be just as busy-I have to get the house ready for company because Thursday I'm going to the airport in New Orleans to pick up Ronny and Jamie,

who will be here throughout the Thanksgiving holidays. I may not have the Innocent Bystander home, but I will have all of my babies and my mom and dad under one roof for turkey day. I have a lot to be thankful for!

Well, I'm off to the house to take a non-fartwater shower before I go get my hair done. Ya'll try to have some fun today. Maybe this will get a grin out of you to get you started-it did me!

This, that, and some other things...

Yesterday was a busy day.  El Juevo and I started out with a pilgrimage to our own personal mecca, L.Y. Buffet.  I really feel bad for management there as I'm sure profits have been down. Alex is spending more time in Gulfport than he is at home and I am not one to go to a sit down restaurant by myself, so we haven't been contributing 2-5 times a week like we were there for awhile.  

As soon as we had finished worshipping eating, we had to haul arse to Biloxi for the matinee performance of "On Golden Pond" at Center Stage.  We barely made it in time and ended up in two of the last few seats available-the performance actually ended up selling out. It was as great a play as I remember the moving having been.  The director, Chuck White, has a real knack for casting, the set was believable and the woman doing the lighting has really come into her own with this one.  All in all, we had a wonderful time.  As a little side bonus, El Juevo gets extra credit in one of his theater classes for attending, as his instructor played one of the principal characters in the play and was trying to pad the audience (unnecessary as it turned out).

We left there and went to the mall.  Alex needed a new pillow and I wanted to look at quilts for my bed as the one I have is getting sort of used looking.  The pillow was not a prollem-kinda hard to muck that one up.  The quilt, however, was another question entirely.  I am very picky about fabric in that if it isn't 100% cotton, it pretty much isn't coming into my house.  And I don't like fiberfill.  (I mean, what is that shite?  It reminds me of this crap we used to make when we were kids out of mucilage, which makes me shudder just at the name.  We'd put the glue between our index fingers and our thumbs and pinch them together over and over until it started making these strands we called angel hair...) *bitch slaps self*  Oh.  Anyway, I looked at every single quilt they had in Belks (duh) and finally picked out a very delicate old fashioned white handmade number with dark blue stitching that was absolutely perfect.  As in, the ONLY one I wanted out of probably 75 that I looked at.  I carried it all over the store as we continued to shop, but when push came to shove and it was time to check out, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  (heh...I said do it.)  I trekked all the way back upstairs to the bedding department and put it back where I got it and walked out without buying anything.  I mean, I look kinda used too, sometimes, but the Innocent Bystander doesn't go out and replace me.  (Then again, his boss in Nigeria has two wives-he'd better not be getting any ideas!)

We actually hit quite a few stores while we were there.  As a matter of fact, we stayed until they made an announcement overhead that the mall was closing in ten minutes!  I've closed down some bars in my time, but I think this was actually the first time that I closed down a mall.  And I did it (heh-I said did it) without breaking the bank!  I did end up buying two scarves, but compared to the damage I could have done?  I WAS GOOD.

We got some dinner and I dropped Alex off at Mom's and headed home.  It was almost 9 by the time I got here and I had email to answer and blogs to read and memes to try and books to buy on my Kindle (yes, I finally caved in to peer pressure and bought the Twilight series), which led to more reading, the upshot being that I didn't get to sleep until...well, I'm not really sure when.  I took a melatonin and started reading Twilight and the next thing I knew, my Kindle was on the floor, the sun was streaming in through the blinds, and Nemo was hollering "MOM...WHAT'RE YOU DOING" from the living room.  Pets that talk really creep me out sometimes.  

I got up and did the birds' cages and ground my coffee beans and realized that I had nothing but FARTWATER to make my coffee with, so I had to run up to the store to buy a couple of gallons before I could even start this post.  I don't mind if you SEE me before I have my coffee, but you sure as hell don't want me to TALK to you before I've had a cup.  So now here I sit, and now I have to finger out how I'm going to entertain you today.

Heh.  No, actually, I did have something that I stumbled across last night when I was reading blogs.  Hockeyman ran across a meme theme bleme (blog theme?) that he used on a post and I decided to try it just to see what I came up with and the results were rather startling in that it was almost like sitting down to a tarot reading in reverse. 

The 'bleme' is "The soundtrack of my life if my life was a movie."  What you do is you get your IPod or MP3 player (or whatever device you store your music on) and put it on shuffle so that the songs that come up are random.  Then you hit shuffle for each prompt and write down the song that comes up as the soundtrack for that particular situation in your life.  Here are my results, and I did NOT alter a single one of them (although I have a great deal of latino music-when those came up, I have provided a brief translation).  Some are open to interpretation, but so many are SPOT ON that they are spooky.  Here goes. (This will also serve to give those of you entered in the IPhone giveaway contest a glimpse of the eclectic collection of music which could be yours should you win and choose to leave the music on the phone.)

Opening credits: Woman of the World/Aerosmith

Waking up: Roy Rogers/Elton John

First day of school: El Rey Tiburon/Mana (King Shark)

Falling in love: Desperado/Alice Cooper

Fight song: Satisfied Man/Molly Hatchet

Breaking up: Rebel Yell/Billy Idol

Prom:  Too Young to Know/UFO

Life: Crazy/Patsy Cline

Mental Breakdown: The Captain and Me/Doobie Brothers

Driving: Illusion/Michael Schenker Group

Flashback: Prelude/Styx

Getting back together: On Through the Night/Def Leppard

Wedding: Sweethearts Together/The Rolling Stones

Birth of a child: One Big Drop of Water/Screamin' Cheetah Wheelies

Final battle: Si, Senor/Gloria Estefan 

Death scene: T-Bone Shuffle/Jesse Colin Young

Funeral song: Sacrifice/Toni Childs

End credits: Donde Jugaran Los Ninos/Mana (Where do the children play?)

The connection I made as I listened to each one in context last night is not as obvious in the cold light of day, but trust me-I was stone cold sober when I made the list, and if you listen to these with the proper prompt in mind, more of them than not would be perfect for each situation. *clears throat*  Trust me.

Now, some things for you to think about as you go about your day.  *smooches*

On making friends

I was reading a post over at The Start of Something New and Dana was talking about how difficult it is making friends.  I started to make a comment, and when I read over what I was writing, I realized I was not commenting-I was writing a post-so I deleted what I'd written and went with a short comment.  (I did ask her permission last night to reference her post. *adjusts her Miss Ethical Blogger tiara*)

Her post got me thinking about how painfully shy I was as a kid and into my teens.  As a Seabee brat, we moved every two or three years, and every move was like having a tooth pulled without anesthesia.  We had to leave all our friends behind and the house and the neighborhood we'd just had time to get really comfortable with.  Making new friends was always hard, as the schools we went to were usually civilian schools.  Almost all of the kids in those schools had grown up in that area all of their lives, and the friendships had been cemented long before we got there.  I remember the year I was in the third grade, we moved THREE times-Rhode Island, Ohio and Puerto Rico (HA-I got to revisit MY motherland *wink*).  That was a tough year, but it ended up being a blessing, because we got to spend an unprecedented four years in Puerto Rico once we finally got there.

We moved again in the middle of my seventh grade school year.  That was a really tough time.  We were used to a tropical climate and were very tanned, and we moved to northern Ohio in the middle of wintertime.  I stood out like a sore thumb.  To make matters worse, I soon developed a horrible foot odor problem.  It either had to do with the shoes I was wearing, or perhaps the fact that for the last four years I'd been wearing sandals and suddenly I was wearing socks and shoes, but the stale frito/parmesean odor that followed me around like Pigpen's cloud o' pigpen offended even me.  I tried everything-powders, creams, bathing in potions my grandmother would concoct for me...nothing helped.  Needless to say, books were my only real friends for the remainder of that school year.

By the start of the eighth grade, my complexion had equalized so that I no longer stood out (I just realized as I'm writing this that I stood out the previous year because there really weren't many black kids at this public school at all-I can only remember ONE in any of my classes).  I don't know if I got new shoes, or if my feet just acclimated themselves to our new home, but my foot odor problem had also resolved itself.  I was ready to start the new year fresh.  I lived in walking distance of the school, so I arrived early that first day and was the first kid to arrive in my homeroom.  I picked a table in the back of the room and sat down and busied myself with my folders and notebooks and other little goodies in my new school supplies.

All of a sudden, this girl walks into the room, looks around at all the empty tables, and comes straight to mine and sat down.  She looked directly into my eyes and said "Hi.  My name is Christine McKee.  I am sick and tired of being shy and not having any friends.  What is your name?"

I was in shock, but I told her my name and we compared schedules.  Now, this school was on a module system.  The school day was broken down into fifteen minute segments (modules) and each student's schedule was pretty much unique.  But the gods had conspired together, and out of the 700 or so students in the school they had created only TWO schedules that were identical that I was ever aware of-Christine's and mine.  Need I say that our fast and deep friendship was absolutely meant to be?

As I grew older and made other moves, I kept that introduction in mind, and still do to this day. (I lost track of Chris over the years, although I could probably still find her-I STILL have her old home phone number memorized.  Her parents probably still live there all these thirty two or so years later.)  What I remember most was her saying she was tired of being shy and then just putting it out there.  I think that is the only cure for shyness.  You just have to be willing to put it out there, to take a risk.  Because it is always a risk-a risk of being rejected, of being ridiculed, of getting your hopes up and then being let down again.  But by not taking that risk, you are risking NOT meeting someone who might end up being that ONE person that you can let it all hang out with.  And the thing that stuck with me the most was that she was feeling the exact same insecurities as I was.  Over the years, I've found that probably 75% of the time, that is exactly the case with everyone I meet.  Almost EVERYONE is insecure.  I don't really have to imagine them nekkid to talk to them, because I finally realized that there are a lot more people in the world like me than there are the self confident people with perfect lives who never fart or burp or drip shit all over themselves when they are eating kind of people that populate the world in my imagination.  

I have many friends now.  And they are all perfect to me in their imperfections and their soap opera lives and their realness.  And I think I can chalk it all up to that first day of the eighth grade, and a girl named Chris.

Don't forget to comment on this post for your chance to win a slightly used IPhone-details of the contest and a description of the phone are on the post.  Good luck to all.

And now, a little lagniappe:

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