About Me

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I love a lot. I wait a lot. I try to find a lot to laugh at. I don't usually have trouble with that. I pray a lot. I'm not always sure who or what I pray to, but I firmly believe that prayer makes a difference. I try not to panic very often. I try to learn something new every day. I spend a lot of time poking my nose into other peoples' bidness via their blogs. I clean up an awful lot of feathers. You can dress me up, but you can't really take me out. I travel a lot when I can find bird sitters and we take them with us when I can't. I drink, prolly to excess, but I rarely get sick because my body is a hostile environment to germs (or maybe no SELF RESPECTING germ would LIVE in my body?) I collect: gnomes, passport stamps, MONEY-preferably US dollars or Euros, red headed womyn and chicks named Stephanie. My Momma taught me many many years ago that girls don't fart, they foosie. She taught me lots of other chit too. Thanks for stopping by-leave me a comment and let me know you were here, feel free to link to me, or email me at jacquelynn.fortner@gmail.com

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The girl just ain't right

I was waiting for my color to develop  at the beautician's the other day, and my mind wandered to that place usually reserved for blowjobs and visits to the gynecologist.  You know that place, where your thoughts bounce, one off of the other, like so many stones skipping across the surface of the river of your life?  I went from thinking about my kids, to picking them up from the airport, to the last time I picked someone up from the airport.  That got me to thinking about how although I have no farking idea when the Innocent Bystander will be coming home, I want to have a plan as to how I'm going to greet him that will at least measure up to his last homecoming.  We will be going to a different hotel this time, so no one will have seen me in my former getup, so I'm letting my imagination go wild.

As ya'll know by now, the IB works in Nigeria.  His boss, Mr. Ikuku, is Nigerian.  The only people on the boat besides Johnny who are not Nigerian are a couple of Trinidadian engineers who worked with him in Trinidad/Venezuela.  When he first got to Nigeria, the boat had not yet arrived (it had to be transported from the US on an oceangoing barge), so he got to spend some time in the company of Mr. Ikuku, who was a very enthusiastic host more than he was a boss at that point.  He took the IB on a tour of his business properties and then took him on a tour of his home.  Then he took him on a tour of the house next door-his second home.  The first home is for his first wife, and the second identical home is for his second, or 'small'  wife.  Seems that although they are very very Christian, they are also polygamous.  Because of his position as a chief in his particular clan, I guess you'd call it, he is allowed up to FOUR wives, but I guess he just hasn't found that special someone *snorts helplessly* to be Mrs. Ikuku number three or four yet.  When he was telling me all this, the IB said they would go out for drinks at night and it was all he could do not to ask him how THAT day went.  "What day?" I asked.  He said "The day he went home and told Mrs. Ikuku number one that he was bringing a new wife into the family."  He never did get up the nerve to ask him.

Anyway, that has been the joke between us since he's been over there-if he gets a small wife, he'd better not get it into his head that he's bringing that bitch home.  She can stay over there and decorate her hut with coconuts and banana leaves and eat monkey nuts with bat guano, and I will take care of the car and the truck and the boat and the camper and the houseboat and the house over here, and ne'er the twain shall meet.  SO...

Would it be in really poor taste to dress up as his small wife to pick him up from the airport?  I'm not trying to be racist here-I'm just trying to keep things fresh. But still, I can't help but remember the Ted Danson debacle. 

I think with the help of the internet and a dermatologist I could pull it off.  I already have a native outfit that Mrs. Ikuku number two sent me, and I only have white girl hair if I put certain products on it, so I could just eschew them for that particular night and I'd kink right up.  Heh.  I could clean off a leftover chicken leg for a bone for my nose, but I think one particular bone will be all I need that night.

I need to find some dark body makeup, though, and am thinking this would be a cool opportunity to try out some of those collagen injections to get my lips nice and poochy.  The one and only part of my body that has always been thin and WASP-y?  My lips.  And where do I begin to look to find some sort of device to give me some bootay?  Yes, I have plenty of junk in my trunk, but it is a big, flat saggy trunk-a station wagon fanny.  Besides, we all know where I stand on the panty issue when picking up the hubster anyway.  Finally, where in the hell do you go to learn how to do THIS?

I do have one concern though.  You know the old saying.  Once you go black, you never go back?  What do I do then?  What if he decides he likes this blacktivity and wants hot jungle lovin' all the time?  Am I really ready to be a full time sistah?  I'll have to think on this one for awhile.

One final reminder-the IPhone giveaway ends at 5pm CST tonight when I get back from picking the kids up from New Orleans.  This is your LAST CHANCE to get your comments in so you too can be entered to win this one of a kind *snort* treasure.  Good luck to you all!


darsden said...

LOL I forgot he did that. Where do you come up with this stuff? See ya soon.

derfina said...

*wicked evil grin* I know-amazing what der veeden hasn't stolen, eh?

Oh, and may I just say this is one hellishly fucked up time of the day to have to be up at. THIS may be why I am no longer in the workforce!

See ya in a bit. ~~~waves~~~

darsden said...

If I must say myself...boy that some love being shown your way...Up at darkthirty to go roll witcha.. feel the love... bask in it...cuz it's gonna cost ya...LOL

Eric S. said...

Too funny, I even went and re-read your linked posts. Still trying to recover from the uncontrollable laughter.

Dana said...

Girl! You are crazy! I love it. I have always wondered how on earth they can shake their ass like that cuz thats hawt!

I am going to be brainstorming ideas for ya. I am sure you will come up with something great because the last getup was priceless.