About Me

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I love a lot. I wait a lot. I try to find a lot to laugh at. I don't usually have trouble with that. I pray a lot. I'm not always sure who or what I pray to, but I firmly believe that prayer makes a difference. I try not to panic very often. I try to learn something new every day. I spend a lot of time poking my nose into other peoples' bidness via their blogs. I clean up an awful lot of feathers. You can dress me up, but you can't really take me out. I travel a lot when I can find bird sitters and we take them with us when I can't. I drink, prolly to excess, but I rarely get sick because my body is a hostile environment to germs (or maybe no SELF RESPECTING germ would LIVE in my body?) I collect: gnomes, passport stamps, MONEY-preferably US dollars or Euros, red headed womyn and chicks named Stephanie. My Momma taught me many many years ago that girls don't fart, they foosie. She taught me lots of other chit too. Thanks for stopping by-leave me a comment and let me know you were here, feel free to link to me, or email me at jacquelynn.fortner@gmail.com

Sunday, October 5, 2008

4.7 on the Richter scale

After I got all checked in at the hotel by Habib (for real) I went up to my room and got out all the bits and pieces of my wardrobe for the night.  Earlier I had remembered that I had ditched the skirt I had originally picked up at the thrift store as it was uncomfortable when pushed up around my arse with my legs in the air, so I planned a trip to Wallyworld to pick up a new one along with a few other things I needed.  I had plenty of time.

I found the perfect skirt as soon as I started looking-a nice flowy nonbinding little polyester number.  I'm usually a 100% cotton kinda girl, but I figured I could sacrifice my standards once in a while for love.  While I was there, I decided to look at shoes as all I'd brought with me was a pair of black sandals which would never fly at the Awful Waffle what with OSHA and all their open toed shoe rules.  I found a nice pair of heels that were chunky enough for me to be able to walk in but high enough to look feminine, which is a stretch for me.  Then, being as how I'm all oldschool, I went and looked at pantyhose.  I got to thinking about how I'm dressing up for my man, so why not go all out and get stockings, which they just so happened to have a pair of in jet black.  They were also magic stockings-the kind that stay up with no garters necessary.  I went back to the Alibaba Inn to model for myself.

I put on the blouse and the skirt, unbuttoned a few buttons to admire my boobage, and put on the apron.  I pulled on the stockings one at a time and arranged the nice lacy tops around my thighs.  Not too bad so far.  They seemed like they were going to stay put and felt nice and sexy, so I stood up and went to the mirror.  Oh.  Mah.  Gawd.  Gravity is unkind.  Cheese and butter and milkshakes are even meaner.  I did not even recognize the stuff coming out of the tops of the stockings as part of me-kinda reminded me of Amish friendship bread dough just kind of oozing down around the tops of the pretty black lace, all pale and doughy and lumpy.  Ahh, fuckit, I thought.  Boy has not been laid in two months, and his view will have my knees behind my ears which will stretch all that dough out nice and taut, so I decided what the hell.

I changed back into my jeans and went out to get something to eat.  (Why the hell not?  The damage is already done.)  While I sat at Sonic, I pondered the fact that I had even bothered to change my clothes at all.  It's not like anyone would know that I was actually wearing fantasy clothing, right?  Which brought me to the inevitable.  If I can walk around in public and no one knows I'm wearing fantasy clothes, why not walk around in public in fantasy clothes with no panties on?  (Keep in mind that whilst Boy was away having no sex, Girl was home minding the farm having no sex, either...Girl done got herself all horny waiting on Boy.)  Okay.  We are gonna do this.

I finished sucking down the last of my shake and pulled across the street back to Walmart and decided that I would get some of that personal lubricant that they are advertising on TV just in case.  'WE' don't normally use things like that-on our honeymoon I broke out some lotion and a vibrator when the Unit's back was turned and you'd have thought I'd hit him with a cattle prod.  He just doesn't take kindly to marital aids, so those things are locked away while he's home.  But I am of that age when sometimes nature needs a little nurturing.  So.  I ran in and bought the stuff-Yours and Mine, I think it's called.  You never know-the Unit might want to get jiggy in the car before we headed back to the Pleasure Palace and I wanted to be prepared.  I headed back to the hotel to get ready to go pick him up from the airport.

As I dressed, I hit a sticking point.  Do I take the panties off now and go commando, or do I wear them to the airport?  I'm already feeling naughty for wearing the outfit in the first place, so I decided I would just wear them to the airport and take them off later.  

I got to the airport and walked across the lot, discovering on the way that the shoes that had fit perfectly in the store were in fact about a size too big once my feet were encased in the magic stockings' spandex embrace.  They were flapping up and down and I was just sure I was going to break my neck and end up in the hospital again, this time without even the dignity of a Big O under my belt to tide me over.  So as soon as I got into the terminal, I headed straight for the Jane.  I grabbed some toilet paper and stuffed a wad in the toe of each shoe, and took off my panties.  Now.  What to do with them.  I looked around and weighed my options.  I could put them in the little metal personal hygeine item depository or throw them away, but they were new.  So I did the only other thing I could think of-I folded them up and put them in my apron pocket.  Then, not wanting Boy to know that Girl sometimes needs a little help in the lube department, I applied a little of the HERS portion of the stuff I had purchased, rearranged myself, held my head up high and walked out into the lobby to wait.

HOLY SHIT.  You see those KY commercials where she puts hers on, he puts his on, and then they proceed to tear their clothes off to combine them?  I got news for you.  They are not tearing their clothes off to have sex.  They are trying to get each other's clothes off so they can PEE on each other to put the FUCKING FIRE out.  Yes, I want a smokin' hot hoochie, but NOT THIS WAY.  I am in an AIRPORT for God's sake.  All the cameras are on me.  I am wearing SEXUAL FANTASY CLOTHES, I have TOILET PAPER in my shoes and STEPINS in my tip pocket and I am starkers down under. Great.  Just great.  I haven't seen my husband in two months, and I am now shooting sparks out my vagina and worrying about being shaken down by Homeland Security.  Try being in this situation and not imagining that every eye in the joint is on you.  Just try.  I couldn't.  And of course every security guard, every sanitation engineer, and every passenger I made eye contact with gave me a big ole grin, assuring me that YES WE KNOW.  SLUT.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. 

In any case, the earth did move.  And it will move again.  But Linda Lu is getting a little rest.  My heart can't take the stress.




17 comments:

Plunger Girl said...

LMAO

This is the funniest thing ever!

Your vagina was on fire! I love that mental image. I'm not cruel, really.

I can't stop laughing. I'm going to link to this post this week okay? Tell me if you don't want me to.

derfina said...

I just wish I'd had the guts to put the YOURS on the Unit. I doubt very seriously that a cattle prod could top THAT (but I'm dying to see). Link away-pop my cherry-I dare you! *smooches*

YankeeChick said...

Hey there! I'm a new lurker. Plunger Girl inspired me to come and read you. How funny!!

derfina said...

Lurk away. Bring your friends AND your enemies. Me love Plungergirl long time.

Dana said...

LMAO I also found you via Plungergirl. I love this. I love that I now know NOT to put hers on my commando vajayjay when picking up the husband after an absence. Love it! Thanks for taking one for the (wifely)team!

derfina said...

Helpful hint: You too can shoot sparks from your coochie for much less money. Put some toothpaste on your pink parts. Don't ask me how I know that.

just a girl... said...

you are fucking funny, and i will be back

midlifeslices said...

Hahaha....PG was right. This is hilarious and I believe I got the whole picture which is a little disturbing, to say the least. *wink*

derfina said...

Oh, you have no idea. Me sitting there squirming with the polyester skirt wedging itself up my asscrack every time I moved. I am not really comfortable in a skirt to start with. And I'm worried about drug dogs being in airports and how dogs always want to stick their noses THERE.

SgtSudsWife said...

Hahaha

I'm sorry I tried to say hi first but I just can't stop laughing.

I found you on plunger girls blog.SOOO glad now that I clicked that link because this post cracked me up.I might just be laughing all day.

Sorry about the fire.Hope it didn't take to long for it to go out.I will have to remember NOT to pre apply any of that stuff when it is my turn at the airport in a few months.

Midlife Mama said...

ROFLMAO

Hi there, pardon me while I wipe the tears from my eyes and pick myself up off the floor because I was laughing hysterically. I found you, also, through Plunger Girl, and you and she are the most freakin' hilarious bloggers I have ever. met. I want to be you guys. I am so wannabe.

Oh my good Lord, what a laugh. The thought of you walking through the airport with your va-jay-jay on fire, and trying to be all cool so you don't get arrested by Homeland Security. You would definitely have some 'splainin' to do.

Thanks for the laugh today!

Trendkiller7x said...

What a hilarious story! I came here via Plunger Girl and just had to tell you that you cracked me up! I also added your comment on my drinking game blog. Good one. LOL!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I found you thru PG also. Love her and love you. OMG this was just too funny. I have no real visual skilss but could see the whole thing happening. LMAO! Thanks for the laugh.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Found you thru PG too. I must be having mental pause again because I swear I just left a comment here but it's not there so.......? Boy am I making a good first impression. This was a great story. Thanks for the laugh and the visual...well, thanks for the laugh anyway. LOL

Di said...

ahhhhh...PG strikes again! She's hysterical and what she finds funny is usually what I find funny. I'm funny like that, funny huh.

Anyway, I'm going to add you to my blog roll and be sure to keep tabs on you, your magical fire spitting hoo-hoo and otehr interesting happenings.

derfina said...

Thanks so much, all of ya'll!

Braja said...

I came back to this cos you had it linked in your 100 post, and I lmao...ahh the things we do for love...the imagery was great, and I am still laughing...