About Me

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I love a lot. I wait a lot. I try to find a lot to laugh at. I don't usually have trouble with that. I pray a lot. I'm not always sure who or what I pray to, but I firmly believe that prayer makes a difference. I try not to panic very often. I try to learn something new every day. I spend a lot of time poking my nose into other peoples' bidness via their blogs. I clean up an awful lot of feathers. You can dress me up, but you can't really take me out. I travel a lot when I can find bird sitters and we take them with us when I can't. I drink, prolly to excess, but I rarely get sick because my body is a hostile environment to germs (or maybe no SELF RESPECTING germ would LIVE in my body?) I collect: gnomes, passport stamps, MONEY-preferably US dollars or Euros, red headed womyn and chicks named Stephanie. My Momma taught me many many years ago that girls don't fart, they foosie. She taught me lots of other chit too. Thanks for stopping by-leave me a comment and let me know you were here, feel free to link to me, or email me at jacquelynn.fortner@gmail.com

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Color me red, white and blue.

Dear Gussie, Dear Gussie.

I am so forking patriotic I make myself sick.  I single handedly stimulated nearly every sector of the economy in my quest to cash in my 'free' bonus bucks yesterday.

I started out at the dentist's office.  No cavities, but it was that time of the year when I had to get bitewing xrays and get my gums measured (??? I don't ask-I trust my dentist).  I gave my special Rotodent toothbrush to El Juevo about a year ago, and evidently that sucker was making a difference because my numbers went from 1s and 2s to 3s and 4s, so THAT had to be replaced to the tune of $111 (again, I trust my dentist).  I am also considering some kind of fluoride supplement.  I got into a discussion with the dental tech about my fascination with all things dentally challenged and the fact that we are in a rural area with no fluoridated water and that most of us buy Wallyworld's generic bottled water for drinking which is not fluoridated.  She agreed that this is probably the single most contributing factor to the dental problems around here besides the lack of dental care due to lack of dental insurance.  At that point, I realized that ohshitohdear, I no longer have dental insurance.  Cha-ching.  $288 contributed to the dental care sector.

Then I took my car for its 3,000 *cough6,000cough* mile oil change.  The guy looked up the last time I was there, and suggested that I upgrade to the 5,000 mile oil (? Heh.  I trust my oil guy) since I seemed to be driving more than the recommended 3,000 between oil changes.  I said okay.  A few minutes later, he poked his head in and stuck my dirty air filter through the door and started to ask if I wanted to replace it.  He has asked me this the last five times I had my oil changed (I get it changed every time I go to the dentist which is EVERY THREE MONTHS) and I always told him no, but this time I thought "Hey, here's my chance to show my patriotism," so I said "Sure, go ahead."  Cha-ching.  $68 contributed to the auto maintenance sector.

THEN I went to the bank to take care of the $500 that was mistakenly deducted from our checking account for a house payment on the house we paid off two or three weeks ago.  When we paid it off, we had a ten minute discussion with the clerk to make sure our automatic payments would be stopped and had been assured repeatedly that since there was no longer a loan, there would no longer be payments deducted.  Right.  Guess what?  It does not take ONE mothercuntfuckwadasslickjismheadshiteatingcocksuckerdickfacesmellslikeassturdchewingcum-bubbles (as my dear Innocent Bystander so eloquently put it) to take care of this.  Nor does it take TWO.  No, my friends, it takes THREE mothercuntfuckwadasslickjismheadshiteatingcock-
suckerdickfacesmellslikeassturdchewingcumbubbleses to straighten this chit out, and that is taking into account the fact that I TRUST MY mothercuntfuckwasasslickjismheadshiteating-
cocksuckerdickfacesmellslikeassturdchewingcumbubbles BANKER.  HA.  No fooking telling how much I'm contributing to the banking sector on that one, although I did get him to admit this is their fault and a commitment to cover any expenses this gaffe might incur.  PFFT.

I left the bank rather in a tiff, so I decided to come home for a quick tiff-easer.  Heh.  I checked to see if I had any comments and realized that I had forgotten to give yesterday's post a title, and also that my *^$%$ link was not working.  I fixed those, and decided to continue on my quest to save the economy.

I went to a little place we noticed a few weeks ago when we went to buy Eddie a bottle of rum for his birthday.  Sister Mary's Soul Food Kitchen.  The restaurant is quite nice for the crackho' section of town it is located in.  The food was good, but frankly, MY collards and MY redbeans have got a LOT more soul, although she did have me beat on the cornbread and the fried chicken (I can't fry anything worth a shit).  Between food and a very nice tip, $16 contributed to the ethnic restaurant category.

Next stop, THE MALL.  I went into Belk's fully intending to spend NO MONEY, just my $40 in bonus bucks.  It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for.  I sorely needed some long sleeved shirts, and they had some beautiful cotton henleys in very rich, almost suede looking jewel-like colors.  They were twelve bucks apiece, and I couldn't decide between a few of the colors, so I decided I would get four and just pay the difference.  While I was there, I figured I might as well put some money on my account, so my final contribution to the department store sector ended up being $70.  I decided to cut my losses and hightailed it out of there before I even ventured into the interior of the mall.

I had been thinking about my recent trip to Fresh Market in Mobile and remembered seeing a store by that name that had recently opened in Ocean Springs, so I headed that way.  When I pulled into their parking lot, I realized this was not the same Fresh Market.  This place had about 15 mangos, a few jars of hot sauce, a freezer full of fish and some fresh (? I'm guessing) shrimp and OH!  Crab claws!  I'm a sucker for crab claws.  Contribution to the seafood sector $15.

I headed home and deposited the claws in the fridge, then headed out for my final stop of the day.  Wallyworld.  *heavy sigh*

I feed six cats that I am aware of, so I needed a 20lb sack of catfood, and we feed the ducks and geese, so I also had to get a 20lb sack of Old Roy dogfood.  I'm not going to detail all the purchases I made, because I would feel the need to justify each and every item.  I mean, some of them SEEM ridiculously expensive, but if you consider how much more efficiently each does its job, the added expense necessary for quality in each case seems obvious...to me, anyway.  Whatever.  Total contribution to the mass merchandising sector $176.  Plus $20 cash for me, since I paid on my Belk's bill with all the cash I had started out the day with.

All told, $633 (plus that $20 cash) contributed to the economy.  I am the Stimulator!

I don't think I'd better leave the house today.

Don't forget to comment on this post for your chance to win a slightly used (purchased April 2008), post MRI, post electrocution, non 3G but works just fine and has 2744 songs on it (which can be removed) IPhone.  Odds right now are ONE IN EIGHT!


Dana said...

Well lookie there at you doing all that Stimulating! Isn't it crazy how quickly so much money goes?

Braja said...

Oooo I like me them odds :) And hell, girl, you'd BETTER stay home tomorrow. Or else move to India where the rupee is worth 43 of your dollars. Hell, why not? We got us a river that craps all over yours -- it's freakin' HOLY!! :)))

derfina said...

dana-it's NUTS. But then, I'm a pro! *wink*

braja-don't get me started on rivers and CRAP-that is a whole blog post in itself. And the possibility of me moving to India is not as remote as you might expect-the Innocent Bystander is considering offers there, Saudi Arabia, and the North Sea!

Braja said...

Saudi? Ain't no rivers there girl :) So maybe you'd best do a whole blog on rivers and crap :))) It would be a riot if you and IB ended up in India. Which part?

derfina said...

No rivers, but Saudi has the Persian Gulf. Not sure what part of India-I don't let myself get my hopes up and do research until he has firm offers-too many let downs. I am trying to contribute to the travel sector right now by wangling myself a trip to Nigeria if he's stuck there for Christmas but there are a lot of logistics to work out. I would LOVE to come to India. I used to know a girl who was from there and I've lost touch with her. She was probably the most spiritual person I've ever known!

Braja said...

And by that I hope you didn't mean she liked good movies and chocolate cake... :)))

derfina said...

No, she really and truly seemed to be aspiring to sainthood. I miss her tremendously. She got cholera on her last trip to India for a family wedding and had bad complications due to diabetes so she had to leave our area after Hurricane Katrina. I've not heard from her since.

Di said...

dang woman...you were BUSY! You can send my way any more money you feel the need to contribute. Just call it "The Di Needs Stimulation" Sector Fund.

Keetha said...

Sounds like you're just doing your part. What a patriot!

flutter said...

oooh, shit. I so need an oil change

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

I hate days like that. You feel like your leaking money out every pore.

How come we never get the reverse days, when everywhere you go people give you money. What's up with that??

Eric S. said...

Dam girl you got busy with that stimulus thing didn't you. Personally I use the oil that is good for 10,000 miles, expensive but worth it.

Rebecca Hickman said...

One of the benefits of blogging is that it keeps me from shopping.