About Me

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I love a lot. I wait a lot. I try to find a lot to laugh at. I don't usually have trouble with that. I pray a lot. I'm not always sure who or what I pray to, but I firmly believe that prayer makes a difference. I try not to panic very often. I try to learn something new every day. I spend a lot of time poking my nose into other peoples' bidness via their blogs. I clean up an awful lot of feathers. You can dress me up, but you can't really take me out. I travel a lot when I can find bird sitters and we take them with us when I can't. I drink, prolly to excess, but I rarely get sick because my body is a hostile environment to germs (or maybe no SELF RESPECTING germ would LIVE in my body?) I collect: gnomes, passport stamps, MONEY-preferably US dollars or Euros, red headed womyn and chicks named Stephanie. My Momma taught me many many years ago that girls don't fart, they foosie. She taught me lots of other chit too. Thanks for stopping by-leave me a comment and let me know you were here, feel free to link to me, or email me at jacquelynn.fortner@gmail.com

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Hokey Pokey


Today is the day! Can you feel the excitement?  Don't you feel special?  One hundred posts-who'da thunk it?!?  I'm sure the Innocent Bystander is surprised, given that he's witnessed more than one of my fancies abandoned once the new car smell wore off.  I guess the heady aroma of burning brain dust is what keeps me coming back.

From what I've been able to gather from the hundreds of blogs I read and bloggers I googlestalk, I am required by the Blogsville bylaws to do  One Hundred Things about Me as my hundredth post, so here goes:


1. I collect cobalt glass, but because I'm too lazy to dust, it sits wrapped up in Rubbermaid boxes in my shed.
2. I can think of a million things about me until I sit down to write about them, then I can only think of one.
3. I have a bird who, if I ignore his "GOOD MORNINGS" long enough, will throw his food at me to get my attention.
4. Anything past adding, subtracting, multiplying or dividing is beyond me.
5. Adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing are beyond me if me has haddum beer.
6. I have no less than three full bags of garbage sitting on my porch waiting for me to tote them up to the dumpster.  I think of them as my collection.  If I took pictures of them, I could call them a commentary on post modern society and I'd prolly be the next Ansel Adams.
7. I will listen to the same CD over and over and over and over. And over.  Get it?
8. Sometimes I just want to scream.
9. Sometimes I DO scream.  Freaks my neighbors out.
10. Sometimes I do stuff like that JUST to freak my neighbors out.
11. I am, as the Innocent Bystander says, a dyke magnet.
12. There is prolly a good reason for number 11.
13. He has tasked me, if he should pass on before I do, with finding a wealthy lesbian to support me in the style to which I've become accustomed.  This way he can occasionally look down and get a cheap thrill.
14. He, on the other hand, is to find a nice Walmart greeter.  This way he can get her employee discount.
15. I mopped my floor this morning BEFORE I HAD COFFEE.
16. Nemo promptly shit on my clean floor, then wanted a shower.  Why do I bother?
17. I mopped the floor AGAIN.
18. I have discovered that if I can't have Starbucks Extra Bold French Roast, that some Cafe Du Monde or Community coffee with chicory is an acceptable substitute.  OCCASIONALLY.
19. I don't 'do' knickknacks.  I used to, but refer to number 1.
20. I have less time to get stuff done now that I am 'retired' than I did when I was working. What's up with that?
21. I want a wee little doggy.
22. It is stoopid and selfish of me to want a wee little doggy when I want to travel at the drop of a hat.  
23. I know that I will not be getting a wee little doggy, but that doesn't keep me from having puppy fantasies.
24. I have...KITTY fantasies too. *wicked evil grin*
25. I have a rich and satisfying fantasy life.
26. I would give up that fantasy life right now if the Unit Innocent Bystander could be here to boink my brains out.
27. It has been 45 days since said brains were boinked out.  Hence my current fascination with all things tubular.
28. I firmly (heh.  I said firmly.) believe that anything over 15 days renders the boinkedless one revirginated status.
29. I have been a virgin too many times to count.
30. There is a lot to be said for being deflowered.
31. I would like to say one of those things now.
32. Sadly, I can't.
33. But!  I will howl it from the rooftops on the 28th!
34. I am craving oysters.
35. Typing those words sent a shiver up my spine even though I love them.
36. I got a long, sensual kiss on the lips yesterday.
37. It was from a three year old boy.  That child has been watching someone!
38. I am thinking about adopting an ox.
39. Or a 'small boy' from Africa.
40. I would love to see the faces in the Shingle Mill if we brought Small Boy home to the river.
41. I really don't want a cap popped in my ass.
42. But it would make a good story.
43. I had a snack last night of goat cheese, quince paste and crackers.
44. Fresh market is slowly edging out L.Y. Buffet as my own personal mecca.
45. Oysters rockefeller would be good right now.
46. Or oyster stew.
47. Or grilled oysters.
48. Or fried, but only if they are little ones and not fried too hard. (heh.  Too hard.  AS IF)
49. Instead, I will prolly eat a bowl of cereal because it's the easiest thing to fix.
50. I wish I had a sense of style.
51. I'm glad that since I don't, I have friends who do!
52. I'm glad they don't hold it against me that I have no taste.
53. I'm also glad that they don't take that as a comment on themselves.
54. I don't have a celebrity fantasy boyfriend.
55. I fantasize about my husband.
56. A LOT.
57. Sometimes I fantasize that he looks like George Cloony or Brad Pitt.
58. I'm sure he sometimes fantasizes that I look like Boobielicious.
59. I don't have a problem with that.
60. Boobielicious and George Cloony are going to be BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE in TEN DAYS.
61. I have been ordered to not show up at the airport the way I did last time he came home.
62. His exact words were "I am not going to be in the mood for any silliness after 14 hours on a plane.
63. Poor baby.
64. I got some silliness for him.
65. If I'm lucky, I will have a new SEX TOY to 'show' him.  PlungerGirl is having a contest, and I am DETERMINED to win!  
66. Ya'll are really going to muck up my chances of winning if you enter, so you didn't hear it here.
67. But she is myne bloggy hero, so I have to mention it.
68. She gave me my first real break as a blogger by linking to my post about the last airport pickup.
69. So she gets the coveted number on the list.  Me love you long time, PlungerGirl.
70. I lost track of what I was doing whilst contemplating the last number.
71. I have a short attention span, though, so I'm over it.
72. Pot is good for something, eh?
73. I went to bed last night with the heater going in the living room for the birds and the air conditioning on in the bedroom for me.  Gotta love Mississippi weather.
74. I miss my bitches.
75. I think it is time for a Margarita night.
76. Without the margaritas for me, as I'm a strictly Busch Light in a bottle kinda girl.
77. Liquor makes the me leak out of me. 
78. I have no sense of rhythm, but I love to dance.  By myself.  Just me and the birds.  
79. The Good Morning Jesus song is good for this as it involves much clapping and stomping around and flapping of wings.
80. I would like to learn how to do one of those Electric Slide kind of line dances.
81. I'm too embarrassed to try.
82. As big an exhibitionist as I may seem, I'm rather shy in person.
83. I sold my wetlands property in Vancleave in ten days.
84. I'm sure someone will get the significance of those two statements back to back.
85. Sometimes I crack me up.
86. Especially when I think I'm being subtle.
87. I really did go to college when I was 16.  The honors program, even.
88. Look how far that got me.
89. *laughs hysterically* *tries to stop* *looks around for something sobering* *thinks "starving puppies, chickens with no beaks, catch and release, vaginal discharge, rectal bleeding"* 
90. I think sometimes a mental bitchslap is more effective than a physical one.
91. Sometimes I think that professor was right when he called me a non-entity.
92. Then I come here and read a comment or two and feel mo' betterer.
93. Did I mention FORTY. FIVE. DAYS.
94. Here's a real 'gimme'.  I once dated a guy for several months right before the holidays.  For Christmas, he bought us matching bathrobes.  In the pocket of mine was a package of condoms. He figured THAT was why I hadn't slept with him.  The jig was up then.  We never went out again.
95. If I can't get it up, I just can't get it up. ^^shrug^^
96. I guess you could characterize me as one of those "you get what you get" kind of girls.
97. Probably why the Innocent Bystander calls me "Noodle".
98. Probably why one of my favorite pet names for him is "Scrote"
99. I have really big plans for what I'm going to get done today.
100. If half of them get done, it will be a miracle.  But hey!  Miracles happen.  I did manage to come up with ONE HUNDRED THINGS!


*smooches*

Lagniappe:

15 comments:

Rassles said...

I love tapirs.

PlungerGirl said...

LMAO

Wooo hooo...number 69! Uh oh..now you're thinking about it again eh?

darsden said...

Congrats!!! You crack me up... here and there ...just like ya mama does!!

NurseExec said...

Happy 100th, chica :)

Dana said...

Yay for 100! Are you going to share your airport plans? You did last time...im jus' sayin'.

Why does it say I linked to this post? Any ideas? I just noticed that...very odd. And since your comment thing changed, no matter how carefully I type, I never get the word right the first time. Never.

derfina said...

Rassles-*nods* Isn't he cute?

PlungerGirl-You know it! Thanks a lot!

Darsden-Thanks. Speaking of cracks, how is yo' mama?

NurseExec-Gracias!

Dana-I'm still deciding what to wear, or not wear. Not sure about the link/comment thing. Hopefully all is working correctly now.

*smooches* to all!

Poptart said...

Congrats on 100 posts! I hadn't heard about the '100 things about me' being the thing to do. I don't get out much. HA!

La Belette Rouge said...

100 posts!! Congratulations!! I am hoping for 100x100 more. Just don't do 100,000 things about me when you get there.;-)

Braja said...

10 & 38 are why I love you Derfina. And as for 50? Oh baby you do. You definitely do...

And now I'm going back for the next 50

Braja said...

Hey I call my husband Noodle. I think we were separated at birth Derfina...

Rebecca Hickman said...

Felicitaciones! Hurray! Congrats!

derfina said...

Poptart-I read an ASSLOAD of blogs every day. I'm worried I'm going to miss something!

La Belette Rouge-Not to worry!

Braja-River sisters, baby!

Rebecca-Gracias, mi amiga!

julz said...

Happy 100th!!!! Gotta be at least 100 reasons you can NEVER stop this blog.

derfina said...

Julz-I can't stop. This is my potato chips. *wink*

dkuroiwa said...

Happy 100th post! and thanks for stopping by my place!
I was reading through your list and I do believe that you are my long lost really good friend (I have quite a few...we need to get together for margs sometime!)
Funny...my husband, too, is George or Brad or (my personal fav)Matthew at any given moment of the day.
I do love the way you write!!