About Me

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I love a lot. I wait a lot. I try to find a lot to laugh at. I don't usually have trouble with that. I pray a lot. I'm not always sure who or what I pray to, but I firmly believe that prayer makes a difference. I try not to panic very often. I try to learn something new every day. I spend a lot of time poking my nose into other peoples' bidness via their blogs. I clean up an awful lot of feathers. You can dress me up, but you can't really take me out. I travel a lot when I can find bird sitters and we take them with us when I can't. I drink, prolly to excess, but I rarely get sick because my body is a hostile environment to germs (or maybe no SELF RESPECTING germ would LIVE in my body?) I collect: gnomes, passport stamps, MONEY-preferably US dollars or Euros, red headed womyn and chicks named Stephanie. My Momma taught me many many years ago that girls don't fart, they foosie. She taught me lots of other chit too. Thanks for stopping by-leave me a comment and let me know you were here, feel free to link to me, or email me at jacquelynn.fortner@gmail.com

Friday, December 5, 2008

Santa ain't cheap!


On our way to the mall yesterday, I asked Dar to promise me she would 'do something' with me once we got there.  She looked at me and said "Since when do I have a choice in the matter once you get an idea into your head?  Tell me ONE TIME in thirty three years I have gotten my way in ANYTHING?"  I thought about it for a minute and said "Okay.  You and I are going to go get our picture taken with Santy Clause today."  She started to give me some bullshit about not having earrings in and blahblahblah (I quit listening and allowed her to vent 'to the hand') as I parked the car and led her to the little accessory store that had hypoallergenic (Me: Quit making excuses...You are powerless here...You've already admitted defeat so you are just prolonging the inevitable...Just pick some DAMN EARRINGS so I can go sit on an old man's lap and potentially mess with his head) earrings.  Then I realized that since I have dialed up my inner dyke notch and quit carrying a purse I had no storebought lipz with me, and as I have no upper lip of myne own I had to remedy that situation before I could even begin to think about having a picture taken.  I followed my nose into Belks' shoe department but Dar redirected me to the makeup counters before I could really get my shoe groove on.  She is good like that. Prolly because she knows that if she doesn't NIP IT IN THE BUD, I am gone for hours. Anyway, I tried at four different counters to find a lipstick that didn't make me look like Bozo the clown before I found someone willing to take my money.  My good buddies at the Estee Lauder counter (I'm a Cinnabar girl these days) were happy to relieve me of TWENTY THREE dollars so that I could have a plump juicy (oddly grape scented) non-collegen injected pretend upper lip.  TWENTY THREE dollars!  Was I HIGH?  I wish.  At least then I'd have had an excuse.

So I put on the lip and we proceed out to Santy's little Happy Place, where he sits on his Santy throne, and we walk up to get in line.  My eye falls on the sign that says "No cameras" and then drifts over to the sandwich boards set up with the available photography packages available. Folks, I am all about stimulating the economy, and I love me some Santa Claus and I REALLY wanted to tell him what. I. want.  But I am sorry.  One fucking, and I don't say fucking lightly in this case, but ONE FUCKING PICTURE was TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS.  Uh uh.  No way, Jose'. I already had twenty three invested in a lip, I was NOT going to compound this travesty by spending twenty five more bucks on a picture.  Sorry, folks, but your online holiday greetings are going to have to wait a week or so, but I have an even mo' betterer one planned for you, so do not fret.  But I do want to say that Santa done harshed my shopping buzz just a wee bit.

My trip to the casino was pretty uneventful.  I managed to play for about four hours on twenty bucks playing penny slots, but my sister in law was not so lucky.  She forgot to bring a book, so once she was busted she came and watched me play rather than returning to the room for the evening.  Every time she'd come sit by me, I'd start losing, so in my head it was her fault.  Then I started getting claustrophobic and feeling like I was under a microscope

 or like someone sitting at a feast with a hungry homeless person watching me eat, so I gave her ten bucks and told her I was moving because she was bad luck for me.  She managed to play on that for another hour or so, but then ran out again, at which point I cashed out and counted myself lucky to be going home with money left.  If we'd have stayed, we'd have played until we were both broke, so cutting our losses was not a bad thing.

Today is going to be a nice quiet (HA) day at home here with the birdies.  It is nice and cold outside, so I am going to make a pot of potato soup and do laundry and piddle.  Tomorrow Dar and I have really big plans so I need to rest up, and *pointedly* she'd better too.  Remember, only 19 shopping days left til Christmas!

Lagniappe:

13 comments:

darsden said...

Santa Ain't Cheap...wheres the beef...nothing there but a title?

derfina said...

Hush. Slip o' the finger. Don't make me show you which one.

La Belette Rouge said...

I guess Santa is feeling the economy crunch too. Yikes, $25 to sit on a creepy guys lap who is wearing unwashed stinky velvet suit. That is too much. But, hey, at least you have plump and grape smelling lips. It wasn't all bad.;-)

HappyHourSue said...

For $25 bucks Santa should give you a picture, an Irish Coffee and a massage.

darsden said...

I was a lil bit nervous...never know what she's going to get me in...esp. when she starts off with a pinky swear and hasn't told me anything.. I might be in fersumpin'... yeah, I know that finger...it's hooked in my collar all the time!!

derfina said...

La Belette-when commerce or shoes are involved, it is never all bad!

HappyHourSue-or something better be happening that requires a cigarette and a kiss on the forehead when we are all done.

dar-if you're scared, say you're scared! I sure hope you're resting up, cuz that finger is going to be pulling you every which way but loose tomorrow!

darsden said...

That is what Ya'Mama did to me last night...CHIT!

Dana said...

LOL You girls are hilarious! See, people wonder why my children never have pictures with Santa...for one there are too many creepy old men in those suits and for two I am not paying that kinda money for some stinking photo!

We needs a pic of them purty $23 lips, Ms. Thang! Can't wait to see what you two are up to!

KMcJoseph said...

Still laughing at the duck cartoon.

Stepping Thru said...

LMAO- I don't like creepy Santas either. I never made my kids sit on his lap.
Hey, keep playing those penny slots. A lady here in Oklahoma won $4 million on the penny slots yesterday.

Braja said...

Those lips are precious (as are you), but that last photo killed me...hilarious. Love visiting you Derfina...love it....

flutter said...

you are hysterical

derfina said...

Dana-me either, but it's all good-I have an idea, but it will have to wait until next Sunday.

KMcJoseph-I KNOW Pete!

Stepping Thru-Penny slots are all I play. I am just not fond of that particular casino, or of someone hovering.

Braja-and you know I love having you! ^^groucho eyebrows^^

flutter-*blush* Aw shucks!