About Me

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I love a lot. I wait a lot. I try to find a lot to laugh at. I don't usually have trouble with that. I pray a lot. I'm not always sure who or what I pray to, but I firmly believe that prayer makes a difference. I try not to panic very often. I try to learn something new every day. I spend a lot of time poking my nose into other peoples' bidness via their blogs. I clean up an awful lot of feathers. You can dress me up, but you can't really take me out. I travel a lot when I can find bird sitters and we take them with us when I can't. I drink, prolly to excess, but I rarely get sick because my body is a hostile environment to germs (or maybe no SELF RESPECTING germ would LIVE in my body?) I collect: gnomes, passport stamps, MONEY-preferably US dollars or Euros, red headed womyn and chicks named Stephanie. My Momma taught me many many years ago that girls don't fart, they foosie. She taught me lots of other chit too. Thanks for stopping by-leave me a comment and let me know you were here, feel free to link to me, or email me at jacquelynn.fortner@gmail.com

Friday, December 19, 2008

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Nemo keeps asking me, "What are you doing?" 

Like he doesn't know what I'm doing.  I'm cleaning up your POOP, numbnuts.  I am scraping it off the bars of your cage.  I am sucking up your feathers.  I am 'gimme that beak'ing you.  I am scrubbing grape peels and raspberry carcasses off the walls and windows and washer.

Feathers, by the way?  *shakes head*  They suck.  You think of feathers and the image of a single feather comes to mind, drifting lazily in a shaft of sunlight.  What you don't think about are the layers and layers of them that exist under the top 'classic' feather layers.  Each layer gets progressively smaller-I think some of them are even microscopic.  And every time we do the Good Morning Jesus song and they all start to flapping, I am stomping and clapping in a virtual cloud.  It doesn't matter how much I sweep and vacuum and mop-I could have Dirt Devils permanently attached  to the ends of my arms like some sort of weird Edward Sissorhands (is that an oxymoron, or what?) and I still wouldn't be able to keep up with them.  They sift into every little corner and crevice only to come flying out the next time someone flaps.  They are driving me INSANE.

I just feel BLAH.  I'm thinking it is a combination of the weather, which has been drizzly and overcast for days, and the landscape around here, which looks like something out of a gothic movie with all the spindly barren trees dripping with spanish moss.  Variations on a theme, and the theme is GRAY.  I guess the only sensible thing to do would be to get out of the houseboat. I need to go light a fire under El Juevo's arse because I'm sure he is still where I left him yesterday, on the couch in his underwear with his laptop on one side of him and a remote on the other.  I think we both need some exercise, and I know just the mall to get it in. (Heh.  I said get it.)  Am I getting too predictable?


Directions: 1. Peel off adhesive and stick Subtle Butt onto the inside of your underwear or pants, exactly where you think it goes.
2. Go for it, Let'er rip, Have at it, Cut loose, Break wind, Gas it up
3. When you're done wearing Subtle Butt, remove and discard. If any adhesive traces remain, use a damp cloth for removal.

Tips for Success:

1. You want all the gas to pass through Subtle Butt. So do what you need to do to ensure none sneaks around the edges.
2. Subtle Butt can be applied to thongs by wrapping and securing it around the back.


darsden said...

thats why I don't have ozzie anymore...you are a great mother to those babies...Nemo is a cool bird...

Rassles said...

For some reason, I LOVED this post.

Strange Pilgram said...

We have two budgies that I clean up after. Punks were begging for a pet and we all agreed on a lizard. Hubby took Punk to the pet shop and came home with these two birds. WTF? And now he complains about all the noise and mess they make. Hey! Leave them alone. YOU bought them. And for some reason I'm the only one cleaning up after them. Like I didn't have enough crap to clean up.

Anyway... I'd love to let them out of the cage but I'm afraid they might get hurt. We have a lot of big uncovered windows they might fly into.

derfina said...

Dar-He is cool...They all are. I just wish he wouldn't pluck so much.

Rassles-*smooches* I hate feeling like that. I seem to be emerging from the fog, though.

Strange Pilgram-The mess just never ends, does it? Mine are out of the cage whenever I'm home. I keep their wings trimmed so they just TAG the windows instead of flying into them full force. (The little birds, that is...Nemo doesn't fly-he just falls kinda gracefully.)

Braja said...

I'll pass (hehe I said pass :) on commenting on the gassy subtle butts..

But those two little birds under Nemo are GORGEOUS! really...names please. they're so cute...

derfina said...

Braja-the Grey up top is Nemo, the bottom two are Ahab (left) and Moby (right). Ahab is the one that was injured a month or so ago. He is doing much better now.

La Belette Rouge said...

Well, you did it, you have rendered me speechless.;-)

NurseExec said...

Oh girl, dirt devil arms just slayed me, LOLOLOL! I have a love hate relationship with this time of year too. I miss Alaska this time of year, just because of the "realness" of winter (I know, crazy, right?). At least it's a CHANGE from my usual, fucking hot, hot, warm, slightly less warm, right?