About Me

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I love a lot. I wait a lot. I try to find a lot to laugh at. I don't usually have trouble with that. I pray a lot. I'm not always sure who or what I pray to, but I firmly believe that prayer makes a difference. I try not to panic very often. I try to learn something new every day. I spend a lot of time poking my nose into other peoples' bidness via their blogs. I clean up an awful lot of feathers. You can dress me up, but you can't really take me out. I travel a lot when I can find bird sitters and we take them with us when I can't. I drink, prolly to excess, but I rarely get sick because my body is a hostile environment to germs (or maybe no SELF RESPECTING germ would LIVE in my body?) I collect: gnomes, passport stamps, MONEY-preferably US dollars or Euros, red headed womyn and chicks named Stephanie. My Momma taught me many many years ago that girls don't fart, they foosie. She taught me lots of other chit too. Thanks for stopping by-leave me a comment and let me know you were here, feel free to link to me, or email me at jacquelynn.fortner@gmail.com

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

To Sir *snort* With Love

Yesterday was errand day-I had to go to the dentist, get my oil changed, visit with my mother in law for awhile for her birthday.  I'm not sure if anyone knows which one it actually was-the Innocent Bystander asked me, and I had no idea.  She said my brother in law Frankie asked her how it felt to be 82 and she said she felt pretty good, but that she thinks she's only 78.  Hard to tell, because she still has plenty of zip left-I picked her up from the Wellness Center, which she goes to three times a week to work out.

I went to my pregnacious little hairdresser this morning to get my roots done, and actually made an appointment for next month in advance as I don't want to forget and go on my trip with a skunk stripe down my part.  Planning ahead.  So unlike me...

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately.  I am going on a trip (go figure) and it is the day before I am supposed to leave and I still have a million things to do.  My passport is still in the safe so I have to go get it, I need to write down my confirmation number so I can check in when I get to the airport which means I have to get into my saved mail to retrieve it.  This along with trying to find some fucking red panties that won't ride up my ass -I am not allowed to fly unless I am wearing red panties.  (In case the plane goes down?  Look for the chubby fishbelly white assed body floating in the water in bright red knickers.  That will be me.  The only reason I go along with it is because if I have to, so does he.  He's cute in red panties.)

Anyway, in the dream, I am in Gulfport dropping off the birds early, planning on going and doing all this stuff when I am done, but I keep getting distracted.  Every time I get online, something pressing catches my attention and I forget what I got on for, and sign off without getting my confirmation number.  I get all packed and head to the airport only to remember as I get there that I forgot my passport, so I have to go all the way back to Pascagoula to get it, which is okay in the dream, because I always leave plenty of time for major malfunctions because that is just how I am.  So I go get my passport and make it back to Mobile and am running around trying to find the international terminal.  When I finally find it and get to a ticket agent, they tell me that my flight is on time, but that it is leaving out of GULFPORT, not Mobile.  I wake up shaking, ready to throw up.

Now, couple this with our trip to the taxman.  Uck Fay Ee May in the Ass Ay.  Twice.  Talk about wanting to throw up!  This is the first time that we really NEEDED to be able to itemize because we had to file as self employed, but because we didn't have enough reciepts to make it worthwhile, we had to file the standard deduction crap, which means we had to write a check that seemed like it should cover the national debt.  On the bright side, we (don't you just love how I keep using 'we' like I had anything to do with it?) had thought far enough ahead to save enough to cover said check, so fortunately, we ain't gonna have to sell the farm, but still-I just know that if I were a better record keeper we probably could have kept some of that money.

So.  (This is the part where the IB's mental, if not physical, willie is going to get a major boner right before your very eyes if you happen to be reading this at the same time he is.  Nothing excites him as much as ORGANIZATION.)  I went out and bought an accordion file and have organized all of our receipts, EOBs, insurance and bank statements etc.  AND (insert MAJOR drum roll here) I made a LIST.  I have both an ongoing list of crap I need to accomplish in the next few days, and a master list of chit I need to get done prior to the trip.  Before you know it, I will need a list of my lists.  I can just imagine the blissful smile on the IB's face right now.  I've gone over to the other side.  *shakes head*


Mama Dawg said...

You crack me up.

If I didn't have lists, I wouldn't remember to wipe my ass. For real. I'm THAT forgetful.

darsden said...

My My My you have been very busy. Work it girl-LOL I Nose' wha ubees doin. Just Like Ya Mama last night Oh My My My.

Rassles said...

Dreams ruin my life.


christine said...

Your dreams are CRAZY! And I love the red panties. That might make having to take the long ass flight back to the states more fun... maybe I'll try it.

Thanks for the smiles!

derfina said...

Mama Dawg-Lists set my teeth on edge almost as bad as styrofoam.

Dar-Busy as a three tailed cat in a room full of rockers.

Rassles-This one is ruining my sleep.

Christine-T'would be okay if I could find some red panties that didn't want to crawl up my arse every time I moved.

*smooches* to all!

Improbable Joe said...

I have dreams where I shoot and stab a random collection of Russians/mobsters/terrorists/aliens. Do you think that means something?

derfina said...

Improbable Joe-I'm not sure. I have one where all the bodies I bury keep popping/floating out of the ground a part at a time. Very frustrating. *smooches*

Anonymous said...

Lists are awesome. We need lists . . . for balance.

And a big friggin' accordion file . . .

Happy organizin'!

Braja said...

Wait...got your oil changed? Er, Derfina honey, you do know what that means in Australia, don't you? *snigger*

And at the dentist??? lol...