The girl just ain't right

I was waiting for my color to develop  at the beautician's the other day, and my mind wandered to that place usually reserved for blowjobs and visits to the gynecologist.  You know that place, where your thoughts bounce, one off of the other, like so many stones skipping across the surface of the river of your life?  I went from thinking about my kids, to picking them up from the airport, to the last time I picked someone up from the airport.  That got me to thinking about how although I have no farking idea when the Innocent Bystander will be coming home, I want to have a plan as to how I'm going to greet him that will at least measure up to his last homecoming.  We will be going to a different hotel this time, so no one will have seen me in my former getup, so I'm letting my imagination go wild.

As ya'll know by now, the IB works in Nigeria.  His boss, Mr. Ikuku, is Nigerian.  The only people on the boat besides Johnny who are not Nigerian are a couple of Trinidadian engineers who worked with him in Trinidad/Venezuela.  When he first got to Nigeria, the boat had not yet arrived (it had to be transported from the US on an oceangoing barge), so he got to spend some time in the company of Mr. Ikuku, who was a very enthusiastic host more than he was a boss at that point.  He took the IB on a tour of his business properties and then took him on a tour of his home.  Then he took him on a tour of the house next door-his second home.  The first home is for his first wife, and the second identical home is for his second, or 'small'  wife.  Seems that although they are very very Christian, they are also polygamous.  Because of his position as a chief in his particular clan, I guess you'd call it, he is allowed up to FOUR wives, but I guess he just hasn't found that special someone *snorts helplessly* to be Mrs. Ikuku number three or four yet.  When he was telling me all this, the IB said they would go out for drinks at night and it was all he could do not to ask him how THAT day went.  "What day?" I asked.  He said "The day he went home and told Mrs. Ikuku number one that he was bringing a new wife into the family."  He never did get up the nerve to ask him.

Anyway, that has been the joke between us since he's been over there-if he gets a small wife, he'd better not get it into his head that he's bringing that bitch home.  She can stay over there and decorate her hut with coconuts and banana leaves and eat monkey nuts with bat guano, and I will take care of the car and the truck and the boat and the camper and the houseboat and the house over here, and ne'er the twain shall meet.  SO...

Would it be in really poor taste to dress up as his small wife to pick him up from the airport?  I'm not trying to be racist here-I'm just trying to keep things fresh. But still, I can't help but remember the Ted Danson debacle. 

I think with the help of the internet and a dermatologist I could pull it off.  I already have a native outfit that Mrs. Ikuku number two sent me, and I only have white girl hair if I put certain products on it, so I could just eschew them for that particular night and I'd kink right up.  Heh.  I could clean off a leftover chicken leg for a bone for my nose, but I think one particular bone will be all I need that night.

I need to find some dark body makeup, though, and am thinking this would be a cool opportunity to try out some of those collagen injections to get my lips nice and poochy.  The one and only part of my body that has always been thin and WASP-y?  My lips.  And where do I begin to look to find some sort of device to give me some bootay?  Yes, I have plenty of junk in my trunk, but it is a big, flat saggy trunk-a station wagon fanny.  Besides, we all know where I stand on the panty issue when picking up the hubster anyway.  Finally, where in the hell do you go to learn how to do THIS?

I do have one concern though.  You know the old saying.  Once you go black, you never go back?  What do I do then?  What if he decides he likes this blacktivity and wants hot jungle lovin' all the time?  Am I really ready to be a full time sistah?  I'll have to think on this one for awhile.

One final reminder-the IPhone giveaway ends at 5pm CST tonight when I get back from picking the kids up from New Orleans.  This is your LAST CHANCE to get your comments in so you too can be entered to win this one of a kind *snort* treasure.  Good luck to you all!

Ka-wikki

Just thought I would update those of you who check in earlier than I can get the birds 'done' and get my coffee made (i.e. this is not Wednesday's post).  After I got my hair done today, I went and got my new 3G IPhone. This was actually more of a major farking pain in the posterior region than it sounds, but fortunately, I plan ahead.  The cellphone account is set up in the Innocent Bystander's name.  When I called Cingular/AT&T yesterday to find out about syncing my contacts, music and pictures, I did think to ask if it would be any prollem for me to get the new phone without the IB being here.  The representative I spoke with looked it up and said that "YES, OF COURSE IT FARKING WILL".  Seems I am was not an authorized user on the account, since it is was only in Doofus's the IB's name.  It took some doing and some dubious phone/internet (YAY SKYPE) connections from Nigeria, but after my passive aggressive "It's okay.  I'll wait for my birthday present until you get home.  Whenever that is..." he did make it a point to get me authorized to take care of this crap without him.  SOOOO...Somebody's newish phone is being polished and dephonenumbered and getting ready for its final kiss goodbye.  It has been a very good phone all things considered, and if I'm being honest, so far I am not seeing a huge diff betwixt the 2G and the 3G.  

My point, though, is that I am now carrying the new phone, so YOUR phone is fixing to be safely tucked into a form fitted box just waiting to be mailed overnight to the address of your choice.  Instead of being subject to being dropped in the river, falling out of my pocket or being stolen out of my car whilst I just run into the gas station to pee.  Just thought you'd like to know that.

G'night, all.   Hasty banana.

This, that, and some other things...

Yesterday was a busy day.  El Juevo and I started out with a pilgrimage to our own personal mecca, L.Y. Buffet.  I really feel bad for management there as I'm sure profits have been down. Alex is spending more time in Gulfport than he is at home and I am not one to go to a sit down restaurant by myself, so we haven't been contributing 2-5 times a week like we were there for awhile.  

As soon as we had finished worshipping eating, we had to haul arse to Biloxi for the matinee performance of "On Golden Pond" at Center Stage.  We barely made it in time and ended up in two of the last few seats available-the performance actually ended up selling out. It was as great a play as I remember the moving having been.  The director, Chuck White, has a real knack for casting, the set was believable and the woman doing the lighting has really come into her own with this one.  All in all, we had a wonderful time.  As a little side bonus, El Juevo gets extra credit in one of his theater classes for attending, as his instructor played one of the principal characters in the play and was trying to pad the audience (unnecessary as it turned out).

We left there and went to the mall.  Alex needed a new pillow and I wanted to look at quilts for my bed as the one I have is getting sort of used looking.  The pillow was not a prollem-kinda hard to muck that one up.  The quilt, however, was another question entirely.  I am very picky about fabric in that if it isn't 100% cotton, it pretty much isn't coming into my house.  And I don't like fiberfill.  (I mean, what is that shite?  It reminds me of this crap we used to make when we were kids out of mucilage, which makes me shudder just at the name.  We'd put the glue between our index fingers and our thumbs and pinch them together over and over until it started making these strands we called angel hair...) *bitch slaps self*  Oh.  Anyway, I looked at every single quilt they had in Belks (duh) and finally picked out a very delicate old fashioned white handmade number with dark blue stitching that was absolutely perfect.  As in, the ONLY one I wanted out of probably 75 that I looked at.  I carried it all over the store as we continued to shop, but when push came to shove and it was time to check out, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  (heh...I said do it.)  I trekked all the way back upstairs to the bedding department and put it back where I got it and walked out without buying anything.  I mean, I look kinda used too, sometimes, but the Innocent Bystander doesn't go out and replace me.  (Then again, his boss in Nigeria has two wives-he'd better not be getting any ideas!)

We actually hit quite a few stores while we were there.  As a matter of fact, we stayed until they made an announcement overhead that the mall was closing in ten minutes!  I've closed down some bars in my time, but I think this was actually the first time that I closed down a mall.  And I did it (heh-I said did it) without breaking the bank!  I did end up buying two scarves, but compared to the damage I could have done?  I WAS GOOD.

We got some dinner and I dropped Alex off at Mom's and headed home.  It was almost 9 by the time I got here and I had email to answer and blogs to read and memes to try and books to buy on my Kindle (yes, I finally caved in to peer pressure and bought the Twilight series), which led to more reading, the upshot being that I didn't get to sleep until...well, I'm not really sure when.  I took a melatonin and started reading Twilight and the next thing I knew, my Kindle was on the floor, the sun was streaming in through the blinds, and Nemo was hollering "MOM...WHAT'RE YOU DOING" from the living room.  Pets that talk really creep me out sometimes.  

I got up and did the birds' cages and ground my coffee beans and realized that I had nothing but FARTWATER to make my coffee with, so I had to run up to the store to buy a couple of gallons before I could even start this post.  I don't mind if you SEE me before I have my coffee, but you sure as hell don't want me to TALK to you before I've had a cup.  So now here I sit, and now I have to finger out how I'm going to entertain you today.

Heh.  No, actually, I did have something that I stumbled across last night when I was reading blogs.  Hockeyman ran across a meme theme bleme (blog theme?) that he used on a post and I decided to try it just to see what I came up with and the results were rather startling in that it was almost like sitting down to a tarot reading in reverse. 

The 'bleme' is "The soundtrack of my life if my life was a movie."  What you do is you get your IPod or MP3 player (or whatever device you store your music on) and put it on shuffle so that the songs that come up are random.  Then you hit shuffle for each prompt and write down the song that comes up as the soundtrack for that particular situation in your life.  Here are my results, and I did NOT alter a single one of them (although I have a great deal of latino music-when those came up, I have provided a brief translation).  Some are open to interpretation, but so many are SPOT ON that they are spooky.  Here goes. (This will also serve to give those of you entered in the IPhone giveaway contest a glimpse of the eclectic collection of music which could be yours should you win and choose to leave the music on the phone.)

Opening credits: Woman of the World/Aerosmith

Waking up: Roy Rogers/Elton John

First day of school: El Rey Tiburon/Mana (King Shark)

Falling in love: Desperado/Alice Cooper

Fight song: Satisfied Man/Molly Hatchet

Breaking up: Rebel Yell/Billy Idol

Prom:  Too Young to Know/UFO

Life: Crazy/Patsy Cline

Mental Breakdown: The Captain and Me/Doobie Brothers

Driving: Illusion/Michael Schenker Group

Flashback: Prelude/Styx

Getting back together: On Through the Night/Def Leppard

Wedding: Sweethearts Together/The Rolling Stones

Birth of a child: One Big Drop of Water/Screamin' Cheetah Wheelies

Final battle: Si, Senor/Gloria Estefan 

Death scene: T-Bone Shuffle/Jesse Colin Young

Funeral song: Sacrifice/Toni Childs

End credits: Donde Jugaran Los Ninos/Mana (Where do the children play?)

The connection I made as I listened to each one in context last night is not as obvious in the cold light of day, but trust me-I was stone cold sober when I made the list, and if you listen to these with the proper prompt in mind, more of them than not would be perfect for each situation. *clears throat*  Trust me.

Now, some things for you to think about as you go about your day.  *smooches*

Color me red, white and blue.

Dear Gussie, Dear Gussie.

I am so forking patriotic I make myself sick.  I single handedly stimulated nearly every sector of the economy in my quest to cash in my 'free' bonus bucks yesterday.

I started out at the dentist's office.  No cavities, but it was that time of the year when I had to get bitewing xrays and get my gums measured (??? I don't ask-I trust my dentist).  I gave my special Rotodent toothbrush to El Juevo about a year ago, and evidently that sucker was making a difference because my numbers went from 1s and 2s to 3s and 4s, so THAT had to be replaced to the tune of $111 (again, I trust my dentist).  I am also considering some kind of fluoride supplement.  I got into a discussion with the dental tech about my fascination with all things dentally challenged and the fact that we are in a rural area with no fluoridated water and that most of us buy Wallyworld's generic bottled water for drinking which is not fluoridated.  She agreed that this is probably the single most contributing factor to the dental problems around here besides the lack of dental care due to lack of dental insurance.  At that point, I realized that ohshitohdear, I no longer have dental insurance.  Cha-ching.  $288 contributed to the dental care sector.

Then I took my car for its 3,000 *cough6,000cough* mile oil change.  The guy looked up the last time I was there, and suggested that I upgrade to the 5,000 mile oil (? Heh.  I trust my oil guy) since I seemed to be driving more than the recommended 3,000 between oil changes.  I said okay.  A few minutes later, he poked his head in and stuck my dirty air filter through the door and started to ask if I wanted to replace it.  He has asked me this the last five times I had my oil changed (I get it changed every time I go to the dentist which is EVERY THREE MONTHS) and I always told him no, but this time I thought "Hey, here's my chance to show my patriotism," so I said "Sure, go ahead."  Cha-ching.  $68 contributed to the auto maintenance sector.

THEN I went to the bank to take care of the $500 that was mistakenly deducted from our checking account for a house payment on the house we paid off two or three weeks ago.  When we paid it off, we had a ten minute discussion with the clerk to make sure our automatic payments would be stopped and had been assured repeatedly that since there was no longer a loan, there would no longer be payments deducted.  Right.  Guess what?  It does not take ONE mothercuntfuckwadasslickjismheadshiteatingcocksuckerdickfacesmellslikeassturdchewingcum-bubbles (as my dear Innocent Bystander so eloquently put it) to take care of this.  Nor does it take TWO.  No, my friends, it takes THREE mothercuntfuckwadasslickjismheadshiteatingcock-

suckerdickfacesmellslikeassturdchewingcumbubbleses to straighten this chit out, and that is taking into account the fact that I TRUST MY mothercuntfuckwasasslickjismheadshiteating-

cocksuckerdickfacesmellslikeassturdchewingcumbubbles BANKER.  HA.  No fooking telling how much I'm contributing to the banking sector on that one, although I did get him to admit this is their fault and a commitment to cover any expenses this gaffe might incur.  PFFT.

I left the bank rather in a tiff, so I decided to come home for a quick tiff-easer.  Heh.  I checked to see if I had any comments and realized that I had forgotten to give yesterday's post a title, and also that my *^$%$ link was not working.  I fixed those, and decided to continue on my quest to save the economy.

I went to a little place we noticed a few weeks ago when we went to buy Eddie a bottle of rum for his birthday.  Sister Mary's Soul Food Kitchen.  The restaurant is quite nice for the crackho' section of town it is located in.  The food was good, but frankly, MY collards and MY redbeans have got a LOT more soul, although she did have me beat on the cornbread and the fried chicken (I can't fry anything worth a shit).  Between food and a very nice tip, $16 contributed to the ethnic restaurant category.

Next stop, THE MALL.  I went into Belk's fully intending to spend NO MONEY, just my $40 in bonus bucks.  It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for.  I sorely needed some long sleeved shirts, and they had some beautiful cotton henleys in very rich, almost suede looking jewel-like colors.  They were twelve bucks apiece, and I couldn't decide between a few of the colors, so I decided I would get four and just pay the difference.  While I was there, I figured I might as well put some money on my account, so my final contribution to the department store sector ended up being $70.  I decided to cut my losses and hightailed it out of there before I even ventured into the interior of the mall.

I had been thinking about my recent trip to Fresh Market in Mobile and remembered seeing a store by that name that had recently opened in Ocean Springs, so I headed that way.  When I pulled into their parking lot, I realized this was not the same Fresh Market.  This place had about 15 mangos, a few jars of hot sauce, a freezer full of fish and some fresh (? I'm guessing) shrimp and OH!  Crab claws!  I'm a sucker for crab claws.  Contribution to the seafood sector $15.

I headed home and deposited the claws in the fridge, then headed out for my final stop of the day.  Wallyworld.  *heavy sigh*

I feed six cats that I am aware of, so I needed a 20lb sack of catfood, and we feed the ducks and geese, so I also had to get a 20lb sack of Old Roy dogfood.  I'm not going to detail all the purchases I made, because I would feel the need to justify each and every item.  I mean, some of them SEEM ridiculously expensive, but if you consider how much more efficiently each does its job, the added expense necessary for quality in each case seems obvious...to me, anyway.  Whatever.  Total contribution to the mass merchandising sector $176.  Plus $20 cash for me, since I paid on my Belk's bill with all the cash I had started out the day with.

All told, $633 (plus that $20 cash) contributed to the economy.  I am the Stimulator!

I don't think I'd better leave the house today.

Don't forget to comment on this post for your chance to win a slightly used (purchased April 2008), post MRI, post electrocution, non 3G but works just fine and has 2744 songs on it (which can be removed) IPhone.  Odds right now are ONE IN EIGHT!

They call me THE (economic) STIMULATOR

So I'm laying in bed this morning, idly trying to rub one off when my mind starts to wander. I'm mentally spending the forty bonus bucks from Belk's that has been burning a hole in my pocket all week, and thinking "Would you just hurry up and COME already, and get the fuck off of me?" I opened my eyes and realized I was talking to my HAND and just said to hell with it.

I came out to the living room and checked my email and found this from the Innocent Bystander (and NO, I did not ask him if I could reprint it-what's his is MYNE, yes?):

Hey,

You need to call them mothercuntfuckwadasslickjismheadshiteatingcocksuckerdickfacesmellslikeassturdchewingcumbubbles down at the bank and tell them to put back our 500 dollars and quit taking it out of our account for the house.

Thank you,

My Person

I also received THIS (from my dentist):

Jacquelynn,

Just a friendly reminder about your appointment with Dr. Edward Banas.

Your appointment is:

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

10:00AM

We appreciate your time and will see you then!

Now, most people would, at this point, turn around and go back to bed. But not me! Remember? I have forty bonus bucks to spend! It's going to be a GREAT day.

p.s. Don't forget to comment on this post by November 20th at 5pm CST for your chance to win a slightly used, post MRI, post electrocution, non 3G but works just fine and has 2744 songs on it (which can be removed) IPhone!

Friendship...And a Contest!

Yesterday was a hoot.  I went to Gulfport and picked El Juevo up from Mama and Daddy's and took him to get something to eat.  We wanted to go to a movie, but most of the ones we had been waiting for have come and gone while the Innocent Bystander was home, so we settled for one I hadn't heard of, "Zach and Miri Make a Porno".  Now, I'm sure most of you would not choose to go see this with your 21 year old son, but Alex and I are close enough that he knows I have the sense of humor of a fifteen year old boy.  I know he does too.  This movie did not disappoint either one of us.  My stomach hurt I laughed so hard, particularly when Jay from Jay and Silent Bob, who plays Lester in this movie, started talking about a Dutch rudder and a double Dutch rudder, toward the end of the movie.  I was snorting and had tears streaming down my face I was so tickled.  Yes, it is potty mouthed, juvenile humor, but sometimes that is just what is needed to forget about all the political crap we've been surrounded by lately, for a while at least.

After the movie, we headed straight for the coliseum for the last home game for the Seawolves before they go on a 13 game road trip.  We played a team that has not had a regular time loss yet this year, the Wheeling Nailers.  They had beaten us 4-1 on Saturday night, so Alex was not overly enthused about going, although he is never going to turn down a hockey game.  The first period started out with a fight 2 seconds into the game.  That was the highlight of the first period, as they were scoreless, but the second period when they came out, you could tell their attitudes had changed somehow.  They seemed to have decided all of a sudden that they wanted it.  Their passes were crisp, they snapped the puck back and forth like they meant it.  They were playing a very offensive game, and yet...still no score.

The third period, each team scored matching goals within a minute of each other, then the Nailers pulled ahead of us, 3-1.  Attendance was down because of the loss the night before, and when it got down to three minutes left and the score still 3-1, the stands started emptying out.  Big mistake!  The last two minutes of the game, we came back to tie the game and went into sudden death overtime.  About two minutes later, it was in the bag, and we got a hat trick to boot! All those people who left early missed it!  I thought Alex was going to have a stroke!  (Oh, the exclamation points!)  I never knew a head could HAVE that many veins poking out, and the shade of purple he turned was downright disturbing.  I think he blew a vocal cord, he was cheering and hollering so loud, and I know the heel of my hand is bruised from his high fives.  We also got a nice bonus-we always sit in our old season ticket seats, so I saw my old friend Margie.  I got to show off my Kindle, and she is going to mail us her season tickets for the games on Thanksgiving weekend, which will save me about $80, which was really, really sweet of her (they are going to Ohio for the holidays-I'm jealous! *sniff*).

I redeposited Juevo at Mom's and came home to find that someone had left me a little present on my deck.  Laying in front of my door was a cookie sheet holding a baggie full of goo and a typewritten sheet of instructions.  Amish Friendship Bread.

May I just say...MOTHER FUCKER.  What wonderful 'friends' the Amish must be if they give their best buds bags of goo to CARE FOR for ten days?  Why don't you just leave your damn baby on my doorstep?  I have to massage this thing, BURP it, feed it, keep it warm but not too warm, and then, when all is said and done, I am supposed to find SIX of MY BEST FRIENDS to inflict this on???  Not to mention the fact that the last time one of these was saddled on me, (I love you Daddy) when I had followed each instruction to the letter and added my pudding and lovingly baked it according to directions, it turned out GREEN and I was afraid to even let the birds try it much less eat it myself.  I guess if I were to go up to the Shingle Mill I could finger out which mofo GIFTED me with this nasty shit.  I'm sure everyone else who got one will be up there trying to figure out who left them with theirs, too, so the only one up there who is NOT looking searchingly at everyone else HAS to be the culprit.  What are friends for, my ass.

Speaking of friends, I got an email this morning from my friend, the Purv, regarding me trying to finger out a contest to give away my post MRI, post electrocution, non 3G but works just fine and has 2744 songs on it (which can be removed) IPhone (reprinted with permission for those of you keeping track of my ethical self):

"Good Morning..how is Ahab, doing this morning?  How is Derfina, doing this morning..?

I think you should have an essay contest for you I phone... a private essay contest...LOL    You could have everybody interested in submitting you an eroctia...LOL essay...note why it would be private...and the one you got off too the most is the winner....rotflmao..I crack myself up sometimes too... any way just a suggestion...don't worry I would not enter...disqualifycation by association...lol...you see...I have to earn the name I carry every now and then...xoxopurv "

Now that's a real friend.  Always watching out for me, wanting to give me something to keep the old devil's playthings busy whilst the IB is away.  *shakes head*  Don't let her fool ya, though.  When I asked if I could reprint that, her reply was something along the lines of "Yeah, but you gotta share," so I'm guessing she wouldn't mind helping to judge the potential entries.  *snort*  

I'm not going to make it that difficult, though.  The phone will be given to a random commenter to this post.  I will generate the random number on November 20th at or around 5pm CST.  At that point, the winner (who must have provided a contact email address attached to their comment) will be contacted regarding whether or not they want the music left on it and I will get an address to send it to at that point.  Winner is responsible for all charges associated with activating the phone, and no warranties are given or implied.  Good luck, all!  And please-spread the word.

Oh.  And if you WANT to submit a piece of erotica, feel free.  But if you do, I reserve the right to reprint them here (with credit, of course).